


Remember Love

by kripkeisgod



Series: Remember Love [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Attempted Rape, M/M, Murder, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-02
Updated: 2012-04-04
Packaged: 2017-11-02 22:37:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kripkeisgod/pseuds/kripkeisgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Ackles wakes from a coma with no recollection of the past few years of his life, His world turns a little more upside down with the arrival of a handsome man with the greenest eyes Jared had ever seen claiming to be his husband. While Jensen seems every bit the attentive and loving husband anyone would dream of he also has a secret. Just why is Jensen so desperate to keep Jared from reclaiming the memories he wants back so much? Is he what he appears at all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic, so be nice. . . please. It’s unbetad so all mistakes are mine. If you want me to continue the story then please review and let me know what you think. I need feedback!!!

Darkness. That was the first thing Jared became aware of as he slipped into consciousness. An overwhelming darkness and a loud insistent beeping noise. His first thought was ‘my damn alarm must have messed up, it’s still dark! . . . Or I’ve just got my eyes closed, could go either way really’. Testing this theory Jared attempted to crack one eye open, only to shut it again immediately against the powerfully bright light shining down on him.

‘Well, that went well’ he mused ‘god, my head is killing me, maybe if I can sit up it’ll get rid of some of the drowsiness’. Mind made up Jared tried to make his body co-operate only to realise with a dawning sense of horror that he couldn’t move. Through the haze of panic Jared barely registered the muffled sound of voices all around him.

“Doctor, he’s waking up”

“Check his vitals”

‘Vitals? Doctor? Why do I need a doctor? Where am I? What the hell happened?’ Unfortunately Jared’s attempts at speech where severely hindered by the breathing tube down his throat currently chocking him. All thoughts of air vanished when he felt the sharp prick of a needle in his right arm, only giving him seconds to register the sensation before he was once again consumed by darkness. The second time Jared pulled himself back to consciousness he was for one more successful on managing to open his eyes. When he did he discovered that the tubes had been removed and a kindly looking young nurse was checking his stats.

Clearing his throat seemed to startle the nurse out of her haze of concentration. Looking at Jared with an expression that was equal parts surprise and relief she sighed “Oh, your awake, you scared us, I’ll tell you that, the doctors were beginning to think that you’d never wake up!”

“What happened to me? Why am I in a hospital?” Jared managed to rasp out. Passing him some water the nurse explained “you were involved in a car accident some months ago, drunk driver I believe, now luckily the car you were in wasn’t hit too badly so your injuries were not particularly extensive, however the concussion you sustained was serious enough to leave you in a coma, which is defiantly a concern, so while you are physically healthy there are a few questions I’d like to ask you to assess your mental state, if you’re feeling up to it of course?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine by me.”

“Great, first off, how are you feeling?”

“Like I went ten rounds with Mike Tyson, my head’s killing me.”

The nurse smiled at that “What is your name?”

“Jared, Jared Padalecki”

At that a frown appeared on the nurse’s pretty face “I’m sorry, could you repeat your name please? Just your last name.”

“Um sure, it’s padalecki.”

The nurses frown deepened “Well I’m not sure this is a good sign ...”

“Not a good sign? How can telling you my name not be a good sign?”

“Well, it’s just that you said you name was Padalecki?”

“Yeah . . .”

“Well according to your medical files your name is Jared Ackles.”

“WHAT! . . . well you’re files are wrong, my name is Jared Padalecki, my parents are Gerald and Sherri Padaleki, I grew up in San Antonio Texas . . .”

“JARED!” interrupted the nurse loudly, halting his panicked words “What year is it?”

“2008”

A look of dawning understanding appeared on the face of the nurse

“No Jared, its 2011 . . .”

“What?”

“I believe your suffering from a form of amnesia . . .”

“What?”

“Until we run more tests it’s impossible to assess the full extent of . . .”

“WHAT?!, But I don’t remember anything! How can three years of my life just disappear? Will it ever come back? What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“I’m gonna be honest here Jared and tell you that I just don’t know. I don’t know if you’ll ever get your memories back, it’s likely that you will, but then it’s just as likely that you won’t. It’s all just a matter of patience. Just waiting and seeing what happens and dealing with the outcome either way. I’m sorry Jared, I wish I had more answers but I don’t.”

“So you’re saying that there’s a possibility that I’ll be stuck three years out of the loop forever?”

A sympathetic nod was the only response Jared received. The emotions welling up inside him threatening to burst, Jared turned laid back down with his back to the nurse and tried to prevent the tears from falling.

“Jared, I wish there was more I could do to help you, I really do . . . I’m sorry.”

Jared listened to the sound of her footsteps moving further and further away. Closing his eyes, he finally allowed the first tears to slip through, letting them and the mounting feeling of utter helplessness lull him back into blissful nothingness.

\---------------------------------------------

Sometime later as Jared sat in bed going over and over the days events and attempting to find some way to process everything he’d learned, the doctor entered his room to inform him that, all his results had come back fine so there was nothing more they could do for him and as such Jared was free to leave whenever someone arrived to pick him up. Replaying the conversation now Jared suspected he really should have asked who was coming to get him, at least whether it was a family member seeing as he probably wouldn’t recognise any friends he’d made in the past three years. But it was too late to dwell on that now. ‘After all’ , he thought, ‘It’s not like I have much to complain about, I mean , I’ve just woken up with no memory of the past three years of my life, and am now being kicked out of hospital with someone I’m not entirely sure I know. Yeah, Life’s a friggin bed of roses right now’.

Lost in his brooding Jared didn’t notice someone had entered the room until a shadow fell over him. Looking up Jared was met with the greenest eyes he had ever seen residing in the face of probably the most handsome man he’d ever seen. Unashamedly staring at the gorgeous stranger, Jared didn’t miss the warm, loving eyes or adoring smile directed his way and felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight. Shaking himself from his stupor and clearing his throat Jared ventured to attempt to speak to the man who was by now sat by the bed clutching Jared’s hand. But before Jared could utter a word the man had brought Jared’s hand to his full lips and sighed

“Oh, thank god, I thought I’d lost you. Don’t you ever scare me like that again!”

Jared was certain his impression of a goldfish was incredible in that moment.

“Jared, I swear, you nearly gave me a heart attack making me wait so long to see those beautiful eyes again.”

Finally finding his voice, Jared managed to choke out “W-who are you?”

A frown marred the gorgeous face of Mr mystery “Jensen” came the confused reply, at Jared’s blank stare Jensen continued “The doctor’s told me you had amnesia, but you seriously don’t remember me?”

“No, I seriously don’t, look I’m sorry if we’re supposed to be tight . . .”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“ . . . but I really don’t remember you, and I’m way too tired to play guess the relation so if you could just tell me who you are I’ll stop being so cranky.”

“O.k., O.k. at least your personality hasn’t been affected; you always were grumpy when you got tired. Well, I’m Jensen, Jensen Ackles . . .”

‘Ackles, why does that name sound familiar? Wait, it can’t be . . .’

“Baby, I’m your husband.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> O.k. Jared might have just melted at that, or maybe it was lingering effects from the pain-killers? He honestly couldn’t tell, just like he didn’t know which to blame for what he did next. Jared moved his hand to cover Jensen’s over his own, He then leaned closer and whispered “I believe you”.
> 
> The smile that lit up Jensen’s face was worth the strange cold feeling that appeared in his stomach the second he said the words.

“What?”

“I said, I’m your husband, I was speaking English right? Jensen joked.

Husband. Husband. No matter how many times Jared heard the word it still didn’t make sense to him. Jensen may as well of been speaking in a different language for all Jared was grasping. It was a few moments before the overwhelming sense of shock gave way to panic. Jared really didn’t have a very strong brain to mouth filter at the best of times, and when he got nervous, it ceased to exist entirely.

“You’re my . . . no, that’s impossible . . . you can’t be . . . I don’t have a husband . . . I’m not married . . . surely I would have remembered that . . . If I promised my life away to someone . . . If I loved someone enough to do that, surely I’d remember . . . no, it’s not true, it can’t be . . .”

“JARED”

Jared instantly snapped back into focus, blushing as he realised that Jensen must have been repeating his name all the way through his outburst.

“Wh-what” Jared stuttered meeting Jensen’s concerned gaze.

“I had to do something, you were freaking out, look, I know this is hard for you baby, and I don’t know why you can’t remember anything about me, us, but you can’t. That’s just the way things are. We have to deal with that together.” Reaching out and grasping Jared’s limp hand Jensen continued. “You’re my husband and I love you, it may be a little difficult for you to accept right now, but I need you to know it’s the truth.”

Somehow Jensen’s calm and loving words succeeded in making Jared relax a little. Looking down at their joined hands and finally back up to Jensen’s shy smile and warm eyes Jared felt his panic begin to fade. Something inside of him wanted so badly to believe that Jensen was right and that everything would be o.k. Maybe this is it, the connection, the trust and bond that he believed should be there with anyone he was supposedly married to. If Jensen can calm him with just a few words and with a loving look make Jared’s heart feel like it was about to beat right out of his chest, then maybe Jensen was his husband after all, and maybe the idea of that wasn’t quite as terrifying as it had seemed before.

“How can you be so calm about this? I mean your talking to me like we’ve known each other a lifetime and I don’t even remember your face. You’re a stranger to me. So how can you be so calm and composed? Aren’t you even a little uncomfortable with this?”

He had to know, he had to understand this connection with Jensen and break through a little of the mystery surrounding the man. Jensen simply smiled, a sight Jared was quickly becoming accustomed to, and said:

“Of course this is weird for me Jare, you’re everything to me, and right now you couldn’t pick my face out of a crowd. You can’t share my memories of us. You can’t feel everything we mean to each other. So yeah, this isn’t exactly an ideal situation, but when you we’re found after the crash? When I thought you we’re going to die? I’ve never felt fear like it. I almost lost you, and I can’t go through that again. I won’t. As long as you’re alive and safe, everything else we can deal with. As long as you’re safe baby nothing else matters to me.”

O.k. Jared might have just melted at that, or maybe it was lingering effects from the pain-killers? He honestly couldn’t tell, just like he didn’t know which to blame for what he did next. Jared moved his hand to cover Jensen’s over his own, He then leaned closer and whispered “I believe you”.

The smile that lit up Jensen’s face was worth the strange cold feeling that appeared in his stomach the second he said the words. Choosing to ignore the unexpected moment of discomfort Jared leaned back into his pillows and asked:

“So, you’re defiantly . . . I mean, we’re . . . we’re married?”

Jensen let out a chuckle at that.

“Yeah, we are.”

“And, you’re sure?”

“100% positive”

“O.k. then . . . Like really, really sure?”

Jensen simply smiled and said “yep, completely, absolutely, defiantly sure. I even have the ring to prove it.”

Jensen raised his left hand to show off the plain silver band decorating his finger. Looking down at his own hand Jared saw . . . nothing. 

“O.k. then, how come I don’t have one?”

“Come again?” Jensen asked as the smile slowly slipped from his face.

“How come I don’t have a ring?” Jared clarified.

Something flickered across Jensen’s handsome face for the briefest of moments before it was gone again, leaving the same warm, kind-faced Jensen that Jared had seen before. Although the expression change was gone in a flash before Jared could identify the emotion behind it, it was unsettling enough to leave him with a cold, uneasy feeling in his gut.

“Oh, your ring. Your ring’s at home waiting for you. The doctors had to remove all jewellery before they could assess whether you needed surgery or not, so I took it home and kept it safe for you, o.k. baby?”

The doctors removed it? Jared had never heard of doctors removing wedding rings for the sake of examination. Was Jensen lying? No, it must just be this hospital’s policy or something, after all what reason did Jensen have to lie to him? They’re supposed to be married. This is the man he loves more than anything, or at least he did before he couldn’t remember . . .

“Jared, baby are you alright?”

The touch to his arm jolted Jared back to the man beside him.

“Sorry, what?”

“Are you o.k. you sorta spaced out on me for a while. Is it about the ring? Baby, you do believe me right?”

The flicker of emotion was there again, only this time Jared had a more time to judge what it was. It almost looked like Jensen was . . . scared. Why would he be scared over the ring? Replaying the conversation Jared decided that couldn’t be it. Jensen was just worried. He was concerned about the wellbeing of his amnesiac husband. That had to be it right? Looking Jensen in the eye, Jared attempted to pour all of the certainty he didn’t feel into his answer.

“Of course I believe you, why wouldn’t I. I’m just a little tired and I guess the pain medication is making me a little slow.”

Jensen’s face broke into a brilliant smile at that. Green eyes twinkling, Jensen breathed: “Well then, we’d better get you outta here and rested huh? You ready to go home?”

Offering a small smile of his own Jared answered “yeah, sure, let’s go.”

Moving to get changed and ready to leave, Jared attempted to silence the doubts screaming in his head. The man – Jensen, clearly cared about him. He was kind, sweet and loving. The fear had just been for Jared’s sake. At least this was what Jared tried to convince himself as he finished dressing, and as Jensen lead him from the hospital, Jared tried desperately to push down the feeling that something was very wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning his back on Jared, Jensen swore softly under his breath. Jared watched him clench his fists tightly before he spoke through gritted teeth.
> 
> “Jared, please. I really don’t wanna do this right now kay? So just drop it.”
> 
> The last part was growled – a clear warning. But then, Jared had never been very good at taking warnings.

Arriving at Jensen's - their – house was an almost surreal experience. It felt like he was dreaming and that any minute now he was going to wake up in his old life, the life he remembered. The life that didn’t include a husband he was supposed to love but couldn’t place, a husband who probably didn’t recognize him either. Jared knew he was no longer the man that Jensen had married, how could he be with no memory of their time together? No memory of Jensen’s existence! This whole thing was just so ridiculous, it couldn’t be real, had to be some fucked-up dream caused by an overactive imagination and passing out drunk in front of the TV again. Logically he knew that it wasn’t and for all his wishful thinking, this was real. He was trapped in this other Jared’s life and he had never felt so scared and alone before. He was trapped, that was all that kept echoing through Jared’s mind. Jensen would never understand how crossing the threshold into that house felt like the beginning of a prison sentence. How could he expect Jensen to understand when Jared didn’t even understand it himself? Jared almost wished Jensen would do something, anything to contradict the king loving and tender exterior he was so willingly showing to Jared, at least then he wouldn’t feel so ridiculous for being so nervous. It would certainly be easier to grasp where this overwhelming panic was coming from if his husband was anything less than the perfect gentleman he appeared to be. The thing was that no matter how hard Jared tried to convince himself that his imagination was getting the better of him, he couldn’t stop wondering if he should trust his instincts here. After all it’s not like he had anything else he could really trust to go on without the past three years of his memory. It was almost as if every time he saw Jensen there was something lurking at the forefront of his mind, something important that he should remember but couldn’t. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that Jensen was familiar to him on some unconscious level. Even thinking it made Jared feel all kinds of stupid, they were married, and of course Jared’s unconscious remembered his own damn husband, even if Jared couldn’t himself. So why, every time he thought about it, every time he tried to recall Jensen, it wasn’t love or affection he felt, it was fear, anger even. And it scared him all the more that he was left with these feelings but he just couldn’t understand or remember why! Why did he feel this way when he thought of Jensen? Were they fighting before Jared’s accident? Were his last memories of Jensen and their disintegrating relationship filtering through? Why couldn’t he just remember what happened between them?  
Jared was snapped out of his reverie by Jensen’s return, and when had he even left? Jared must have been so caught up in his own inner conflict that he hadn’t even noticed Jensen leave to go wherever he’d momentarily disappeared to. He was back now though, all loving smiles and touches. It amazed Jared how tender and patient Jensen was with him. Not for the first time since waking up to Jensen back at the hospital Jared wondered how he’d even found someone like Jensen, let alone married them. Jensen was so perfect; it was hared to picture them ever having a fight, so where were these feelings coming from? How did they meet? What was their relationship like? Suddenly the need to know was too strong and there was only one way in that moment that Jared could see to fix it.

“Hey, Jensen?” Jared ventured, the words leaving his mouth before he registered them.

“Yeah baby?” came Jensen’s reply, his eyes flicking down to Jared’s from where he had been inspecting a rather impressive cut adorning his forehead.

“I was just wondering . . .”

“What is it? You hurting? You need me to get you your pain meds?”

“No, . . . Jensen . . .”

“You hungry? You want something to eat?”

“What? No . . . I’m fine . . . I just want . . .”

“. . . You sure cos you look really pale. When was the last time you ate baby, huh? Do you remember?”

“ . . .No . . . I don’t know . . .That’s not important right now. . .”

“Not important. Your wasting away . . .”  
“JENSEN! That is not the point right now o.k.? The point is I wanna talk about us!”

Jensen’s whole body went rigid at that. The previously kind and loving face completely closed off in an instant and when he finally responded, the words came out tight and clipped.

“What about us, Jay?”

“Well, it’s just . . . I don’t know anything about our relationship . . . and that’s not fair on either of us, so I want to know. I want to remember . . . or at least try to . . . do you think, maybe, you could help me out?”

Jared’s tentative smile and shy words apparently didn’t do a thing to ease the other man.

“Do we have to do this right now Jay? Can we rest up first?”

“Well at least tell me how we met . . .”

Turning his back on Jared, Jensen swore softly under his breath. Jared watched him clench his fists tightly before he spoke through gritted teeth.

“Jared, please. I really don’t wanna do this right now kay? So just drop it.”

The last part was growled – a clear warning. But then, Jared had never been very good at taking warnings.

“I don’t see what the problem is . . . I only want to . . .”

“Damnit Jay! I said no! What part of not now isn’t getting through to you?! Huh?! You just got out of hospital for fucks sake and now your expecting a frigging life story! Stop with the fucking 20 questions Jay!”

Seeing the stricken look on Jared’s adorning Jared’s face, Jensen immediately softened again. Jensen’s voice was gentle as he reached out towards Jared like he was a spooked horse.

“Oh god, I’m sorry Jay. I’m so sorry. I never should’ve snapped like that. It’s not your fault. It’s just, I’m still getting used to this whole situation same as you. Neither of us has any idea where to go from here. I just need a little time to process everything, and I really can’t deal with all the questions right now kay? I really am so, so sorry baby. . . Hey, you hungry? Tell you what, you go make yourself comfortable and I’ll rustle us up something to eat. That sound good to you?”

Without waiting for an answer Jensen headed to the kitchen leaving Jared to stare after him, still reeling from the shock. Jensen had just exploded at him, and for a second the intensity in that furious gaze had chilled Jared to the bone. Could the stress of the situation they were in really cause a reaction like that? Could it really alter a person’s entire demeanor in an instant? Jensen had gone from kind and loving to terrifying sociopath in a matter of minutes. Wasn’t that a little extreme? Especially when the verbal explosion was directed at his amnesiac husband. But then, maybe that was it. Jared didn’t remember Jensen, not specifically anyway, he had no memory of him or their time together. Jensen had basically lost his husband with no way to tell if he was ever going to get him back. God, Jared felt like suck a selfish prick. Sure he’d lost his memory, but Jensen had lost a central part of his life and Jared had never even considered his feelings. Jared was still alive and breathing, but he wasn’t the same man Jensen knew. Wasn’t the man Jensen fell in love with. Wasn’t the man Jensen married. Not anymore. Jared can’t even imagine how hard that must be for him, no wonder he went off like that! Thinking about their relationship reminds Jensen of what he’s lost! Jared can’t believe how inconsiderate he’d been of Jensen’s feelings when he’d asked those questions. Jared didn’t want Jensen to hurt, of course he didn’t, but he also didn’t want to go on not knowing anything about their life together. Maybe if he could piece together something of his life with Jensen he’d remember, then Jensen would get his husband back and everything would go back to how it was before his accident. Piecing together his and Jensen’s life sounded like a good idea in theory, in practice however it proved a lot more difficult than he’d anticipated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a spark of some unidentified emotion in Jensen’s eyes at that, but it was there and gone so fast Jared wondered if he’d simply imagined it. All that Jensen’s face conveyed now was concern and . . . pain?
> 
> “Jay, baby, I think you should sit down”
> 
> White hot panic spread through Jared at that, narrowing his entire world down to what Jensen was about to tell him.
> 
> “No. Now what the hell is going on? Is it about my parents? Tell me!”
> 
> “Jared, I really think you need to sit down for this”
> 
> “I said no! Now just tell me what you need to tell me!

Cold. Impersonal. Unlived in. These were the thoughts that immediately struck Jared upon looking around their 'home'. Except there was nothing homely about it, the furniture and décor was bland, cold and sterile. There was no personality or life in the place. Why would anybody want to live here? Somewhere that had no reflection of the owner’s life or personal style? Jared certainly couldn’t picture living the rest of his life staring at those plain, lifeless walls. What on earth had possessed him to live here before? Surely he and Jensen had some shared tastes and interests, so how the hell had they ended up here? After his second sweep of the room Jared discovered some picture frames clustered on a table at the corner of the room. Upon closer inspection saw that several of them were of him from his high school days. Scanning across the pictures Jared counted at least a dozen glossy replicas of his own face staring back at him from their position on the table. Weird. Jared had never had an issue with his being photo taken but he didn’t like being around lots of photos of himself. It always made him feel like he was on display. He’d even persuaded his own mother to limit the amount of childhood photos of him she had framed around her house. So why would he allow so many pictures of himself; in one room; in his own house? The more he thought about his old life in comparison to the one he’d woken up to, the more he began to wonder exactly how different he was from the pre-crash Jared. Refocusing his attention to the line of photographs in front of him Jared noticed that apart from the pictures of him there were only two others. One of Jensen accepting some kind of award and another of an older couple, presumably Jensen’s parents, smiling warmly from the frame. Suddenly Jared’s chest ached for what he no longer knew. If these people were in deed his in laws then he wanted to remember them. They looked so kind and friendly, so much like his own parents. His parents. Where were the photos of his parents? There were none. None of Jared’s family. No pictures of mutual friends. And strangest of all no pictures of them together. They were married, so where was the wedding photos? The pictures of them through their relationship? Wedding souvenirs? Anything?

It was at that moment that Jensen reappeared with a plate of pizza in one hand and beer in the other.

“Hey baby, you ready to eat?”

Spinning around to face Jensen from his position in front of the photographs, Jared assessed his husband with confusion before finally deciding to ask what he needed to know.

“Where are the other pictures?”

“What?”

“The other pictures Jensen where are they?”

“What other pictures, baby, what are you talking about?”

“Well I see pictures of you, your parents and a hell of a lot of pictures of me, but I don’t see any of us together or any of my family. There’s no photo’s of our life, our relationship here. So where are they?”

Once again Jensen’s face closed off, but now instead of anger it was fear he saw in those expressive green eyes. He turned to place the pizza and beers on a nearby table before mumbling his response.

“They . . . They’re gone Jay.”

“Gone how?”

“When we moved in . . . they were lost in transit . . . it doesn’t really matter how, but they’re gone.”

Jensen’s words were stuttered. This was clearly yet another topic of conversation he was uncomfortable with. Jared was starting to wonder if he’d ever be able to win in this situation. He didn’t want to upset Jensen anymore than he already had, but he also desperately needed answers. He just didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to cope living in this foreign place with a three year hole in his memory and no way of at least trying to speed his recovery along. Because despite everything else, Jared was certain he would recover. The thought of one day being able to have his lost memories back was the only thing keeping him sane in his current situation. Rather than push for answers that weren’t going to make any difference without the photos, Jared decided instead to tread into what he thought was slightly safer ground.

“Well, what about my friends? How many of them will I actually recognize?”

Jared had been hoping that while everything else around him had turned on it’s axis at least his friends had remained the same. From his 2008 experience they were always stable, dependable. The kind of friends who’d stick by you for life no matter what. Jared couldn’t think of a single thing that would change that, alter the bond they shared. Surely his friends would be able to help him with his blank spots and then he wouldn’t have to keep putting such an emotional strain on Jensen. It seemed logical enough, but judging by the look on Jensen’s face he’d said the wrong thing again. His friends were a touchy area now too? What the hell was he missing here? Whatever it was it seemed pretty frigging important and Jared definitely wanted to know. O.k. so friends were off the table there were only two other people Jared could think of to help him through this.

“My parents . . . do they know . . . about the accident I mean. Can I speak to them?”

There was a spark of some unidentified emotion in Jensen’s eyes at that, but it was there and gone so fast Jared wondered if he’d simply imagined it. All that Jensen’s face conveyed now was concern and . . . pain?

“Jay, baby, I think you should sit down”

White hot panic spread through Jared at that, narrowing his entire world down to what Jensen was about to tell him.

“No. Now what the hell is going on? Is it about my parents? Tell me!”

“Jared, I really think you need to sit down for this”

“I said no! Now just tell me what you need to tell me!”

Jensen’s resolve visibly crumbled and as Jared took a steadying breath to steel himself for whatever he was about to say, he had a moment to regret asking, somehow he just knew the next words Jensen said were going to shatter his world.

“I really, really didn’t want to do this so soon after you got out of hospital. I at least wanted to give you a chance to adjust before I had to tell you. But you asked and I can’t lie to you. I won’t. . . Jay . . . baby . . . I’m so, so sorry . . but your parents died six months ago. . .”

And just like that whatever strength Jared had left. Whatever was keeping him fighting to stay positive, to get through, left him completely. He fell to the couch completely devastated. He felt like a small child, alone and scared and wanting so much for his mom and dad to find him and make it all better. Finally the realization sunk in that it was never gonna happen, his parents would never come for him again. They were gone and he was alone, for the first time in his life he was so completely fucking alone and it scared him more than he ever thought it could. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t live this other Jared’s life and try and rebuild his relationship with a husband he didn’t even know he had when his parents were dead. He couldn’t do this on his own. The pain gave way to panic and he started to hyperventilate. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. His parents weren’t dead. He would’ve known. That’s not something you forget. It wasn’t true!

“JARED!!! . . . Calm down, breathe baby, just breathe. I know it’s a lot to take in but you need to calm down o.k.? Calm down.

As Jensen’s soothing words talked him back from the edge, Jared’s mind was filled with questions.  
“H-how did it happen? . . . Why? . . . I don’t . . .”

“Sh sh shhh. Just relax babe. I’ll explain everything . . . but, your not gonna like it.”

All Jared could do was nod dumbly as Jensen kneeled in front of him and began to talk.

“O.k. there was an accident; your parents were driving home from a visit to our place. There was a storm that night and a tree to the side of the road was stuck down by lightning. It landed in the middle of the road just as you parents were rounding the corner. There was nothing they could’ve done to avoid it.

Jensen grasped Jared’s hands and looked up at him with pleading eyes as he willed him to understand, to hear what he was saying.

“It was an accident jay, just a freak accident . . . but . . . there’s more . . .”

“What?”

Jensen looked hesitant, but Jared couldn’t be left unaware, not now.

“Please . . . please just tell me. I need to know.”

“O.k. If you’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Well, after their death you blamed yourself. You thought that because it happened while they were driving home from our house that it was somehow your fault. You convinced yourself that you could’ve prevented it and because of that, the grief hit you so much harder. You went off the rails. You stayed out drinking every night and pushed everyone that cares about you away. Your friends eventually got sick of watching you try to drink yourself into an early grave, and after you got into a fight with Chad about it they gave up completely. Things between us were strained too. We were arguing every night and it always ended the same way, you’d go to the bar and I’d be left waiting in our bed unable to sleep until the ungodly hour you finally decided to come back home. So you see that’s why I’ve been so tense since you got out. As selfish as it sounds, I was relieved when the doctor told me about your memory loss, I thought of it as a second chance for us. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. I want us to start again . . . but I realize that this is a lot for you to take in right now, so I’m gonna go unpack and leave you alone for a while. Just promise me that if you need anything, anything at all, you’ll come find me o.k.?”

Jared simply nodded, too overcome with emotion to do anything else. Jensen smiled at him warmly, before standing and leaning in to kiss Jared’s forehead. Then he was gone leaving Jared alone to finally allow everything he’d learned to overcome him. He turned to curl up into the fetal position on the couch and cried himself to sleep, all the while resolutely ignoring the voice in his head that didn’t trust Jensen. The voice that whispered “liar”.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange. Jared had thought he’d inspected all the rooms in the house, apparently not judging by the plain white door at the end of the hallway he was currently facing. Jared walked towards the door and opened it quickly. Stairs. An attic? Before he could climb them and find out a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the stairs. Slamming the door closed and locking it Jensen turned to Jared.

Hours later Jared awoke, enjoying the last remnants of sleep before awareness came crashing into the forefront of his mind. His parents were dead and he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to carry on in his own slice of hell any longer. Before his thoughts could slip even further into despair Jared caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Glancing up he saw Jensen stood hesitantly in the doorway.

Deciding to just bite the bullet and make whatever Jensen wanted to say easier for him Jared spoke.

“Jensen what is it? Do you need something?”

Silence. Jensen just stood there looking unsure.

“Look Jensen, I don’t wanna be rude but if you’ve got something to say to me could you just get it over with cause I’m really not in the mood for anymore games.”

That seemed to work. Suddenly Jensen had shaken himself out of his stupor and moved to kneel in front of Jared.

“I’m sorry, I’m just nervous I guess . . .”

“Nervous about what?” Jared only hoped it was nothing serious, he really didn’t think he could handle anymore bad news.

“Well . . . I have something for you . . . but I’m not sure how you’re gonna react. I just want to give you something I hope you’ll like. Something to maybe take your mind away from . . . everything, for a moment at least . . . W-would that be o.k.?

Jared was stunned, that was the last thing he was expecting Jensen to say. Although, he didn’t know why he was surprised that Jensen was trying to ease his pain, after all he’d shown nothing but love and compassion for Jared in the short space of time they’d been together. Well the short space of time Jared remembered anyway.

“Um, sure Jensen. You can give me whatever it is you wanted to.”

“You sure baby”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I may have amnesia but I’m still capable of making my own decisions you know.”

At that a gorgeous smile broke out on Jensen’s face, laughing softly, he reached into the front pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small object before placing it in Jared’s waiting palm. Looking down Jared gasped when he saw a plain silver ring, beautiful in its simplicity. It was perfect.

“It’s your wedding ring. I promised you I’d find it. You always did love that ring and I got it especially for you. I wanted to get you something a little more extravagant but that’s not you. You would’ve called it garish and I didn’t want that, I wanted you to love the ring as much as me, after all you were going to spend the rest of you life wearing it, what kind of husband would It have made me if I pandered to my own tastes rather than yours? Not a very good one, but then I guess I haven’t been lately have I?”

“What do you mean?” Jared was genuinely confused by the sudden change in tone of the conversation.

“I mean I’m your husband, it’s my job to protect you and I couldn’t. I failed you Jay. I couldn’t save you from the pain of losing your parents and I couldn’t save you from getting hurt in that crash. Maybe it’s better that you don’t remember me, at least this way you don’t know what a piss-poor excuse for a husband I really am.”

Now Jared may have still been confused about a lot but if there was one thing he was certain of it was that he wasn’t standing for that. Hell no!

“Jensen, stop! Don’t put yourself down like that. You’ve been so good to me since I woke up, better than a lot of husband’s in you’re position would’ve been. Better than I deserved if the way I was before the crash is anything to go on, and you can’t blame yourself that either. By the sounds of it the crash was my own damn fault anyway! I know I was grieving, I’m grieving all over again now, but the difference is this time I know how I handled it before was wrong and there’s no excuse for that. maybe that’s because it’s easier to see your mistakes when you don’t remember making them, or maybe the crash just knocked some sense into me but the only thing I can say for certain is that you can’t lay the blame for this on yourself, I won’t let you. We clear?”

Jensen offered a small smile before responding.

“Yeah Jay we’re clear, so long as you promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“You can’t take all the blame either. You weren’t in your right mind Jay. I understand that and you need to as well. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Hey, I almost forgot to mention! It’s inscribed . . The ring I mean.”

Looking down to his hands once more Jared tilted the ring towards the light and read the message contained inside the band.  _‘I Will always love you’_. Five words, just five words but they meant so much more. Just like that Jared felt the smallest bit of the pain in his chest ease ever so slightly. Suddenly a thought occurred to Jared out of nowhere.

“Jensen, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Course not baby. Fire away.”

“How long have we been married.”

“Um, two years now . . . any particular reason you asked Jay?”

“No, no, not really. Just curious I guess.”

Two years. Funny, the ring looked a lot older than that. Huh, family heirloom maybe? So then what about the inscription? …

Jared was pulled from his musings when Jensen began to speak once more.

“Look, about the ring . . . I understand that this whole thing is still weird for you, and it’s not like I expect you to fall instantly madly in love with me or anything. I don’t expect anything from you, especially not while you’re grieving, so I want to give you the choice. You can put the ring back on now if you want . . . But I really don’t think you’re ready for that yet. When you put that ring back on, I want it to mean something. I want it to be because you want to, you want to be my husband again, not because you feel obliged to. So until then I got you something else.

Jensen reached into his pocket once again and pulled out a stunning silver chain, taking the ring from Jared he threaded the chain through it before handing the ring now attached to the chain back to Jared.

Until you’re ready to wear it for real, you can wear it this way. Keep it on the chain, that way you’ll always know it’s there when you want it.”

Jared was speechless; he was so touched by Jensen’s gesture that he couldn’t even find the words to express it.

“It’s o.k. Jared, you don’t have to say anything. Look, I know you’ve got a lot on you’re plate right now, so I’m going to leave you alone for a little while and do some work in the study. Just promise me. Please promise me that you will not leave the house Jay. It’s dangerous for you without your memories, if you get lost you won’t be able to find your way back so please stay inside the house.”

Confused, Jared could only nod.

“O.k. baby, I trust you, see you in a little bit.”

With that Jensen stood and left the room leaving Jared alone once more.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

With nothing better to do, Jared killed time by exploring the house. Anything to keep his mind occupied, away from all that he’d lost. He’d explored every room in the house by now, even the study where Jensen had holed himself up and every single one held the same bland and impersonal feel as the first room. Great, he could tell that he was just going to love being stuck here all hours of the day until Jensen decided he could be trusted enough to walk down the street without getting lost. Not even his parents would’ve been this protective over him . . . His parents. No, no he wasn’t going there the pain was too real, too raw. He couldn’t think about it , not yet.

Strange. Jared had thought he’d inspected all the rooms in the house, apparently not judging by the plain white door at the end of the hallway he was currently facing. Jared walked towards the door and opened it quickly. Stairs. An attic? Before he could climb them and find out a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the stairs. Slamming the door closed and locking it Jensen turned to Jared.

“What the hell were you doing going in there Jared?!”

“I . .I . .”

“I don’t wanna hear it! You listen to me o.k.? You hear what I’m saying? Never go in that room! O.k. Never!”

“What why? It’s just a room. What are you getting so worked up about?”

What the hell was going on here?

Taking a calming breath Jensen continued in a much softer voice.

“Look, trust me when I say you don’t wanna go up there o.k.? I’ve upset you enough lately, I don’t want to add to it by explaining why so you’re just going to have to trust me here. You do trust me right?”

Feeling panic setting in Jared could only nod, hoping the pure doubt he was experiencing didn’t show on his face.

“Well, o.k. then. Know what? I’m really tired how’s about we hit the hay huh?”

Slipping the key into his pocket Jensen passed Jared only looking back one he got to the bedroom, throwing a glance that spoke of barley contained impatience.

That night wrapped in Jensen’s possessive grip Jared’s mind was racing, but it all came back to one single thought  _‘What are you hiding Jensen?’_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s dark, so dark. The rain is making it hard to see. Jared is scared, he’s so scared, more-so than he’s ever been in his life. He can’t breathe. He’s running. He’s running as fast as he can. It’s not fast enough. He can’t get away. It’s getting closer. The monster. It’s gaining on him. He can’t breathe. Can’t escape the devil’s piercing gaze. He’s terrified. Oh god! Those eyes! He’s so cold he feels like ice. He can’t run anymore. It’s too late! It’s . . .

_ It’s dark, so dark. The rain is making it hard to see. Jared is scared, he’s so scared, more-so than he’s ever been in his life. He can’t breathe. He’s running. He’s running as fast as he can. It’s not fast enough. He can’t get away. It’s getting closer. The monster. It’s gaining on him. He can’t breathe. Can’t escape the devil’s piercing gaze. He’s terrified. Oh god! Those eyes! He’s so cold he feels like ice. He can’t run anymore. It’s too late! It’s . . . _

__

Jared woke with a start. He felt the sweat cooling on his skin as he attempted to get his breathing back under control. It was the same dream every night since he’d come back from the hospital. Lately though, it had been becoming more real, more vivid. He could still feel the absolute terror like a physical force. As though he were still inside the dream. The worst part wasn’t even the absolute fear; it was not knowing why he was so afraid in the first place. He could sense that there was something after him, something terrible, but he couldn’t see it. Not clearly anyway. He never knew what he was running away from so he could never fully understand what he was so afraid of. All he knew was that his fear was justified. . . Justified? What the hell was he thinking? It was just a stupid dream. A nightmare that’s all. The thing under the bed was never real and neither was this! He just wished his instinct would shut the fuck up and stop telling him he was wrong.

\---------------------------------------------------------

It had been 2 weeks since he came home from the hospital. 2 weeks since three years of his life were completely erased. 2 weeks since he gained a husband and lost his parents. 2 weeks since Jensen’s explosion. 2 whole weeks and Jensen had been nothing but caring and attentive, entirely disproving Jared’s instinctive mistrust. Jared was honestly beginning to understand why he must of fallen for the man in the first place. Jensen still wasn’t letting him leave the house, but then Jensen had proven to be incredibly over-protective so no surprise there. The prison-guard act was just an aspect of that. It was who he was and as overboard as it seemed (Like he wasn’t capable of walking down the street and back without getting lost!) it did help to make him feel genuinely safe and cared-for. On the other hand, as loving and attentive as Jensen was being, in the two weeks since that little incident with the attic he hadn’t once relinquished that key or given any form of explanation for his bizarre behavior. The key was always with him, wherever Jensen went it went. It was so frustrating to be so close to finding out what Jensen was hiding, knowing exactly where the key was, but being completely powerless to retrieve it and finally get into that room.

It was confusing. Jensen seemed so perfect and loving and basically everything Jared could have ever wanted in a spouse, but then he would think back to that night and the key, and that was just strange. It was like for that moment the Jensen that Jared was getting used to and perhaps even now developing feelings for was gone. In his place had stood a cold closed off stranger and it was all because of that room. Jensen had acted like a man possessed when Jared had innocently attempted to enter and he just didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with that.

But maybe he was just overreacting. The situation was difficult enough as it was, so what was the point in complicating it even more with his over-active imagination and suspicious mind? Even with this resolute sense of logic, Jared couldn’t deny the burning desire to know what Jensen was hiding from him. He wanted to get into that room. He wanted that key.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Despite his concerns Jared was slowly beginning to develop a connection with Jensen. He was smart, funny, sensitive and being drop-dead gorgeous to boot certainly didn’t hurt. Sometimes Jared would find himself idly playing with the ring around his neck contemplating when the right time to place it back on his finger would be. He wanted to show Jensen that he was beginning to trust him and the ring was the best way, but he could never actually bring himself to do it. Jensen had said outright that if and when Jared replaced the ring, he wanted it to mean something and Jared wasn’t sure if it would. No point giving the man false hope. He knew he was developing feeling for Jensen, but it was too early to tell whether they were born of lust or genuine love and he definitely didn’t want to be making any rash decisions until he was sure either way. Besides, just because Jared was beginning to trust Jensen more and more it didn’t mean that his doubts had suddenly evaporated. There was still that voice in his head telling him not to get too close, but it was so hard to listen when Jensen was being as supportive, kind and generous as he was.

He’d taken impromptu time off work to spend with Jared, aiding his recovery and never leaving his side for longer than he had to. Luckily it turned out that Jensen was the very successful owner of his own company, so taking time off work to spend with his amnesiac husband wasn’t really an issue for him. The sweet gesture wasn’t lost on Jared though. Jensen was forever buying him gifts whenever he was forced away from Jared for groceries. He’d been there for Jared to help him deal with the grief of losing his parents. And he was so patient too, Jared wasn’t stupid, he saw the unmistakable heat in Jensen’s eyes every time he looked at him, but he also knew that Jensen wouldn’t act on it. He was giving Jared space. Letting him set the terms of their relationship and that was just so incredibly . . . so yeah, basically Jensen was perfect in every single way except one, and whatever Jensen’s little secret was, whatever was in that room, Jared was going to find out one way or another.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

That night Jensen cooked for them. The food, the wine, the candles, It was all is beautifully romantic that something inside Jared swelled with affection. Suddenly he decided that if this was the the way he was going to get what he wanted then he didn’t mind one bit.

Leaning close to Jensen so they were sharing the same breath he looked into those gorgeous green eyes, loving the fire he saw there.

“Jay?”

“I want to kiss you Jensen. Can I?”

“God yes”

Tilting his head forward Jared closed that final gap and sealed their lips together. Jensen opened his mouth in a low groan, letting Jared take full advantage and push his tongue inside to map out the hot cavern. What started out as gentle and loving quickly became desperate and passionate. Pulling away Jared gasped

“Let’s take this upstairs.”

“Jay, you sure? If you’re not ready . . .”

Jared silenced him with a kiss

“Oh, believe me, I’m more than ready.”

Not needing a second invitation Jensen flashed a heated grin before standing and practically dragging Jared up the stairs and into their bedroom. Jensen was so lost to pleasure as they kissed and groped that he never noticed Jared’s hand slip into his pocket, stealthily removing the key. Jared provided the perfect distraction as clothes were practically torn off and Jared was pushed down onto the bed. Jensen approached him with a predatory smile and for a second Jared’s arousal got the better of him. Lost to lust he let Jensen come until he remembered the key still hidden in his palm on the bed. Thinking fast Jared said the first thing he could think of to halt Jensen’s progression.

“Lube!”

“What?”

“We’re gonna need lube, do you have any?”

“Well yeah, but are you sure you wanna go that far?”

“Jensen the only thing I’m sure of right now I want to ride you. So where do you keep the lube?”

The satisfaction Jared would have felt at seeing Jensen’s blush of arousal was lost to the panic coursing through his veins. He needed Jensen to take the bait and fast!

“Uh, yeah, yeah. It’s in the bathroom . . .”

“So get it, now.”

“o.k., sure. I’ll be right back. Don’t you dare move that sexy ass of yours.”

“Baby, I can guarantee this ass is gonna be doing a hell of a lot of moving as soon as you get back, so get going!”

Jensen grinned and practically ran out of the room. Breathing a sigh of relief, Jared allowed himself a moment to think. Where the hell could he stash the key where Jensen wouldn’t find it? Unfortunately the moment he took to ponder this was all the time he had. Mere seconds later he heard the sound of Jensen returning from his mission. Shit! What was he gonna do now? There was only one thing he could think to do in that moment. Moving quickly he threw the key under the edge of the bed and out of sight of Jensen. Rolling back and laying down on the bed just as Jensen appeared at the door, lube in hand.

“Found it!”

If Jensen found anything suspicious his triumphant grin didn’t betray it. Unable to speak through the adrenaline still racing through his body Jared simply smiled and held his arms out to Jensen. He only hoped the gesture came across as flirtatious rather than panicked.

“I’m gonna ask you one last time Jay, are you sure you wanna do this?”

“And I’m gonna tell you one last time yes. Now get over here and fuck me.”

That was it, it was like a switch had been flicked. Gone was the hesitant Jensen, in his place stood a aroused predator. He looked at Jared like he was about to eat him alive which, Jared mused, probably wouldn’t be too far fro the truth. Jensen approached the bed quickly and practically leapt on Jared. From there came probably the most heated make-out session Jared had ever experienced in his life. His eyes rolled from the pleasure as Jensen explored his body with lips and tongue. As Jensen worked his way lower Jared started to writhe under his touch so that by the time Jensen finally reached his desperately hard cock he was ready to burst. He wanted that heat, he wanted Jensen’s mouth right there, but Jensen bypassed it complete moving away from Jared’s body entirely. Jared whined in protest and Jensen chuckled at the sound.

“Sorry Jay, but I can’t have you getting off too soon. Don’t want you to come till I’m inside you baby.”

Jared keened loudly at that and bucked his hips off the bed, knocking into Jensen’s wrist as he opened the lube. Jensen lost his grip on the bottle and in fell rolling under the bed.

“Damn.”

“What?”

“I dropped the damn lube. It rolled under the bed.”

Jared’s eyes widened in panic.

“Don’t worry Jensen I’ll get it.”

“Don’t be stupid, it’s fine, I got it.”

“No, really I’ll . . .”

But it was too late, Jensen had already slipped off the bed and reached his hand underneath it. Shit! Shit! Shit! What was he gonna do know. If Jensen finds that key . . .

“Got it!”

Jensen’s head reappeared at the side of the bed. In his hand he held the lube, and no key! Thank god!!

Climbing back onto the bed Jensen flashed a devilish grin before settling back between Jared’s legs.

“Ready to get this show on the road?”

All speech were lost as Jensen thrust two fingers to the knuckle inside of him and immediately began to pump and scissor them, preparing Jared for what was to come. Jensen’s smirk turned downright evil as he deliberately pushed up pressing his fingers onto Jared prostate. Jared’s body launched off the bed as Jensen continued to manipulate his body with his fingers. Jared was so turned on he didn’t even remember why he had started this in the first place, he was just glad he did. All coherent thought was lost, his whole world narrowed down to more, now, need.

“J-Jensen. Fuck me. Now. Please . . .”

“Anything you want baby.” Jensen cooed before removing his fingers, lining himself up. Jared’s screams of pleasure echoed around the room as Jensen thrust inside.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared had the key. It had been almost three hours since they had sex and Jensen still hadn’t noticed it was missing. He’d eventually left Jared to get them take out from the Chinese restaurant in town. It had taken a lot of persuasion and several assurances of “I’ll be fine Jensen. I have amnesia, I’m not an invalid” but he was gone. Jared finally alone with his thoughts. Sitting in the bedroom wasn’t helping him decide what to do, his mind kept wandering to the key hidden under the bed. He had it now so what was to stop him from just opening the door and looking inside? Why the hell wasn’t that exactly what he was doing right now instead of thinking about it. He knew why. As much as he wanted to know what was in that room opening the door would feel like an ultimate betrayal of Jensen’s trust, more-so than his method of getting the key had been. He needed to know Jensen’s secret. He couldn’t bring himself to look. This was so confusing! He never should’ve taken the damn key in the first place! He’s going to put it back. Jensen was wearing different clothes when he left, Jared could just slip the key back and he’d never know. That’s what he’ll do.

Reaching under the bed Jared’s hand grasped something significantly larger than a key. Pulling his hand back Jared found himself holding a phone. What the hell? Did Jensen drop it under there last night? So where’d all the dust come from in one night?

Curious Jared switched the phone on. Immediately he was faced with literally thousands of missed phone calls and unread text messages. Wow Jensen sure is popular. So how come Jared’s never seen him take a call, or even use his phone? He was pulled from his thoughts as the phone in his hand burst to life with an incoming call. Unable to stop himself Jared pressed the answer button and brought the phone to his ear.

“Hello”

The voice that responded was practically hysterical and so familiar Jared thought he might burst into tears. 

Just like that Jared’s whole world shattered all over again. Voice cracking Jared whispered

“Mom?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, this isn’t going to have a happy ending. However I am writing an alternative ending so if anyone really wants them to be happy you can just ignore the original, it just fit with how the story is going to go.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Jared wasn’t listening. His mind was racing as he stared up towards the attic. Jensen had lied to him. He’d hurt him so much. Made him believe . . . If he was capable of lying about that, then what else was he hiding?

His parents weren’t dead?! They were alive? How? What? . . . Jensen lied to him! But why? Why lie about something like this? It was . . . It was just sick! How could anybody . . .

“JARED!”

His mother’s shriek snapped him back into reality, as well as almost perforating his eardrum.

“Wha- yeah, I’m here mom.”

His voice was still shot with emotion. Relief, betrayal, anger. It was difficult to force words past them all.

“Oh my God! Jared! I can’t believe it’s you! We’ve been trying to get in contact with you for so long! . . .”

“Wait. Mom. Are you o.k.? Is dad o.k.?”

“What? Yes of course . . . It’s me that should be asking you that. Are  _you_  o.k.? What happened? Why haven’t you been in contact? Or answered your phone? . . .”

“Well, after the accident . . .”

“Accident?! What accident?! Oh my God! Jared! Are you hurt?! . . .”

“You didn’t know? Stupid question, of course you didn’t . . .”

“Know what? Jared, what happened?”

“There was an accident momma. . . a car accident . . . I was in a coma for a while. But I’m fine now, I’m safe. . . or at least I thought I was, now I’m not so sure. . .”

“A car accident? Why didn’t we know? Why didn’t anyone tell us? Oh, my baby! I could’ve lost you and I never would’ve known!”

“Mom, there’s more . . .”

“How much more? Is there something else wrong?”

“You could say that . . . mom, after the accident, I had some head trauma and now I can’t remember anything that’s happened the past three years . . .”

“You have amnesia?! Oh, honey I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. You must’ve been so scared, all alone without . . .”

The absolute love and pain in her voice made Jared’s heart break. How could Jensen make him believe he’d lost this? Make his momma think the same thing? What kind of freak would do that? It made him sick to think that the man he had spent the last two weeks with, the man he had willingly given his body to was responsible for the hurt in his mother’s voice.

“It’s o.k. momma. Really. Up until recently, I figured that was the biggest thing I had to worry about. Turns out I was wrong.”

“What do you mean honey? Sweetie tell me where you are and I’ll come get you o.k.? All your friends miss you, and your father’s been in pieces . . . honey?. . . Jared? Can you hear me? . . .”

But Jared wasn’t listening. His mind was racing as he stared up towards the attic. Jensen had lied to him. He’d hurt him so much. Made him believe . . . If he was capable of lying about that, then what else was he hiding? Damn it! Why didn’t he just listen to his instincts in the first place? He never should’ve trusted Jensen. He never should’ve let him take him home from the hospital. It was too late to dwell on that now though. There was nothing he could do to change it, but that didn’t mean that he was powerless. He was going to find out Jensen’s secret. He damn well wanted to know who Jensen was and what game he was playing!

“Momma, I love you. Whatever happens I need you to remember that. Tell dad I love him too . . . I’ve got to go now momma . . . There’s something I have to do.”

Jared hung up the phone and reached a determined hand underneath the bed. Grasping the key he stormed out of the room and to the door of the attic. Taking a deep breath, he was just about to reach for the lock when the phone began to ring once more. Answering without hesitation Jared was assaulted by yet another familiar hysterical, screeching voice.

“Jared! What the fuck man?! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to call you for? 2 months! 2 fucking months! Now you better have a pretty fucking fabulous explanation for making me think you were dead! Cos if you don’t I’m gonna find out where you are and come kill you myself! In fact, fuck it! I’m gonna do it anyway!”

“Chad?”

“Of course it’s me dumbass! Who were you expecting? You’re fairy-fucking-godmother? Now are you gonna give me that explanation now or do I have to find a way to beat it outta you?”

“Chad, I know you’re worried and I’m sorry. I really am. But I just can’t talk now. I’ll explain everything later I swear . . .”

“No! How about we do this right the fuck now! 2 months jay! I think I’ve waited long enough to hear this don’t you? Look, I know you were screwed up after Tom left, but that is not an excuse to go and scare the shit outta everyone who cares about you! Understand?”

“Tom? Who- . . .”

_ Suddenly a flash. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Tall. Gorgeous smile. His very own superman. _

__

Tom! Oh god, Tom. How did he forget?

“Oh my god. I remember. I forgot, I can’t believe I forgot. But I remember now. I remember him. Why did I forget? What happened to him? Us? . . . . Oh god, another lie Jensen?. . . “

“Um Jay? You mind giving me a heads-up here? Cos I’ve got no idea what the hell you’re babbling about. Who the hell’s Jensen?”

“Chad, I have to go.”

Not waiting for a response Jared simply hung up the phone and reached for the lock once more. Before he could change his mind he quickly slipped the key into the lock and opened the door. His mind was in overdrive as he climbed the stairs into the darkened room. Now he realized why Jensen was so cagey about the room or anything to do with his past, because every-damn-thing he’d said, everything he’d made Jared believe was a lie! Well game-over because now Jared was doing exactly what Jensen didn’t want him to. He was remembering. Tom was just the start, he was sure of that. Tom was proof of just how much of a liar Jensen really was! Married for two years. That’s what Jensen had told him, but that was impossible. He may not remember everything about Tom and their relationship, but he knew it was a hell of a lot sooner than 2 fucking years ago! Was anything about this man real, ever since he’d come into Jared’s life all he’d done was deliberately lie and hurt him. He told him his parents were dead. Lie. He told him they’d been married for two years. Lie. If that was the record so far then Jared was seriously beginning to dread what he was going to find now.

Finally reaching the top of the stairs, Jared reached for the switch on the wall. Taking in his dimly lit surroundings, he found . . . nothing. It was just a room. Nothing really out of the ordinary except that it kind of looked more like a library than an attic. Well that was a little – anti-climactic . ‘well what were you expecting?’ Jeered a voice in his head ‘a torture chamber? His secret laboratory? Grow up.’ Although with the days revelations neither scenario seemed that absurd anymore. Wait. There was nothing up here. So why did Jensen react like that? Why was he so desperate to keep Jared out? Weird.

A stack of notebooks in the corner caught his eye. Well he was already up here, might as well look. Picking up the first notebook he opened it and very nearly dropped it again in shock. Is this why Jensen didn’t want him up here? The books? Picking up the next notebook and the next, each one was worst than the last. Why would anybody do this? What kind of person was Jensen? The other lies, even what he’d said about his parents were nothing compared to this! Jared felt sick and suddenly the ring around his neck felt too tight. It was choking him. He ripped it from his neck and threw it across the room. It landed with a thud on something . . . hollow? Standing and approaching the discarded ring, he noticed the floorboards it had landed on were slightly raised. What the hell? Bending down Jared pried the boards away from the floor and looked inside. There was something there. What was that? Reaching in he grabbed whatever it was and took a closer look. As soon as he realized what he was holding he immediately went deathly pale. Oh my God! Dropping it on the ground he started to panic. He needed help. Jensen was clearly completely insane! Shit, what had he let himself get dragged into? The phone! Where had he left it? Searching frantically he finally found it at the other end of the room were he’d left it earlier. He grabbed it and started to dial desperately.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, is this the police?”

“It is sir. What’s your emergency?”

“You have to help me! I think I may have been kidnapped! The man I’m living with is completely insane! I’m starting to think he might be dangerous!”

“Sir you need to calm down. Now, can you tell me your name please?”

“Jared. Jared A- Padalecki. Jared Padalecki.”

“O.k. Mr. Padalecki, can you tell me your location?”

Shit! Jensen hadn’t let him leave the house! He had no idea where he was!

“Um, I don’t really know. I haven’t left the house . . .”

“O.k. don’t panic. Just stay on the line and we can trace where you’re calling from. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

No sooner had the word left his mouth then the line went dead.

“Hello?”

Taking the phone from his ear he saw the problem instantly. The battery had died.

No. no, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening right now!

Through his haze of panic Jared heard the front door open and close.

Jensen was home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice was closer. It sounded like Jensen was at the foot of the stairs now. Oh God he had to do something. Make some kind of decision before Jensen came for him.

“Jared? . . . Jay where are you?”

Jensen’s distant voice only served to fuel Jared’s state of panic.

Shit! What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t stay hidden up here forever, but he couldn’t face Jensen either. He couldn’t pretend that everything was fine. That he wasn’t terrified to even be in the same room as him. And what if Jensen tried to touch him? Kiss him? The very thought made his skin crawl. So then, what was he going to do? Just wait here until Jensen came looking for him? Yeah cos he really wanted to deal with Jensen finding him in the exact place he told him not to go. Fuck, how had he gotten into this mess?

“Jared?”

The voice was closer. It sounded like Jensen was at the foot of the stairs now. Oh God he had to do something. Make some kind of decision before Jensen came for him. Standing abruptly Jared knocked into the box next to him. Reaching out quickly he caught the box before it could crash to the floor. Breathing a sigh of relief he noticed that something had fallen from the top. He placed the box back before bending to inspect the item. A necklace? He grasped the chain delicately and turned it over to inspect the simple St. Christopher pendant. It couldn’t be . . . But then the impossible had lost all meaning by now. Somehow he still couldn’t force himself to believe it even though he knew it was true. He recognized the chain. And now he was just plain angry. He wasn’t going to let Jensen win! He was a grown man and he was going to deal with this like one. He was not going to cower in the attic and wait for that psycho to come! He was going to confront him.

Clenching his fist around the chain he left the attic taking the key from the door with him. As he reached the ground floor he came face to face with Jensen who was just about to climb the stairs. Jensen stopped when he saw him looking relieved.

“There you are babe. You had me worried there.”

Jared merely crossed his arms over his chest, cold gaze directed at Jensen.

“Did I? I’m really, really sorry.”

The sarcasm dripped from his words.

“I’d never want to upset you. After all you are my husband, baby.”

He spat the last word like he couldn’t stand the taste of it in his mouth.

“You’re the light of my life. My one true love. My soul mate. At least that’s what you’ve been trying to convince me of isn’t Jensen. Shame you missed the part where you’re also a lying fucking bastard”.

As Jared spoke Jensen’s face fell. Jared’s calm voice drenched in dark anger cut sharper than any furious outburst ever could.

“What are you talking about Jay?”

“You know you are pretty damn convincing I’ll give you that. I mean ‘Jared Ackles and his devoted, loving husband Jensen’. With your acting skills you’re wasted in corporate managing. Frankly I’m impressed that you managed keep up the act so long or maybe you really are just that deluded. And don’t even pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about. . . “

Jared’s grip on the key tightened.

“Notice anything missing Jensen?”

He threw the key at Jensen’s feet.

“You know you really should remember to check your pockets. Especially if you wanna keep your toys locked up safe.”

Jensen hadn’t move. He was standing stock still staring at the key at his feet. Slowly he stooped and picked it up. Only when he was once again stood straight did he raise his head to look directly into Jared’s eyes, his expression indecipherable.

“Jay. Did you go into the attic?”

“What do you think?”

“I told you not to do that Jared. You shouldn’t have done that. Why? I gave you one rule and you broke it. You betrayed my trust . . .”

“I betrayed your trust? That is seriously fucking rich! After everything you’ve done to me. How can you look me in the eye and accuse me of betraying you?”

“You know there’s a famous saying you might have heard, ‘Curiosity killed the cat’. You’d do well not to bother delving into those feline attributes in the future.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“Wouldn’t be much of a threat. I could never hurt you, not really. You have to know that.”

“Do I? Cos right now I wouldn’t put past you to be imagining slitting my throat.”

“That’s crazy . . .”

“Oh, now I’m the crazy one?”

“Look, baby . . .”

“I am not your baby!”

“Look, Jared I understand that you were concerned about me hiding the room from you. I just don’t understand why you felt the need to violate my privacy. What did you hope to gain from going in there? What did you want?”

“Concer . . . Wait, what do I want? I want some damn answers that’s what!”

“Answer’s about what?”

Jensen had been eerily calm throughout the entire conversation and it pissed Jared off almost as much as it terrified him.

“You know what. I know Jensen! I fucking know alright! I know my name isn’t Ackles, it’s Padalecki! I know we aren’t married and never have been! I know my parents aren’t dead.”

His voice broke on the last statement. The hurt and anger from what Jensen had made him believe stinging painfully.

“I think that’s a pretty good start on your history of lying. So you wanna fill in the blanks? How about you start with why.”

A fire ignited in Jensen’s eyes. Jared wished he could pin it on anger, but in truth he had no idea what was going on in Jensen’s head and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“Everything I’ve ever done has been for you. Because I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“You love me so much you lied to me at every turn! You love me so much you took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and missing my memory after a fucking car crash! You love me so much that you made me believe my parents were dead! What kind of a person does that Jensen? What kind of a person does all that and calls it love?”

“You don’t have the first idea of all the ways I’ve protected you. That’s what love is.”

“The only thing I need protection from Jensen is you!”

Jensen looked genuinely taken aback at that. The first real emotion he’d shown since this whole conversation started.

“What, did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out about what you’ve got hidden in that attic? The books detailing everything in my life. There wasn’t a single move I made without you knowing about it huh Jensen? You got it all down in your stalker’s diary. But that’s not all is it? No, that’s not even the half of it. Those books, your sordid, perverted obsession with me is nothing compared to what you’ve got stashed under the floorboards.”

Jared paused, the horror of his discovery overwhelming him leaving him with a sick feeling all the way down to his stomach.

“That’s a real nice knife collection you got there. You know I especially liked the ones covered in blood! So tell me again Jensen how I shouldn’t be afraid of you.”

“Like I said, you don’t know the lengths I’ll go to, to protect you.”

“And exactly what did you do to anyone you thought I needed protection from huh? How did you use those knives?”

“I did what I had to.”

“What you had to! No! No one has the right to go to those lengths! What gives you the right . . .”

“I don’t understand why you are so upset. I did it all for you.”

“I never asked you to do anything!”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Oh and you had to go after my boyfriend?”

“What?”

“I may have amnesia Jensen but I am not stupid! I can figure out exactly who you ‘protected’ me from! I remember Tom you fucking psycho! Not everything, but I remember him! I remember I loved him so much, and I remember this.”

With that Jared held out the chain.

“This was Tom’s chain! I bought it for him on our anniversary! Inscriptions are really a lot more helpful than they’re given credit for. So now you tell me what it was doing in your attic! You tell me what you did to Tom!”

At the mention of Tom Jensen’s calm stance disintegrated completely. Now he was visibly angry. 

“He never deserved you!”

“Well I’d say that not being completely insane counts in his favor!”

“He was never good enough!”

“And you were?”

“Are Jared! And yes! I’d do anything for you! We’re good together! I know you’re angry with me but on some level you see that too.”

“My God you really are completely deranged aren’t you? The only reason I fucked you earlier was to get to the key! I was using you! We are not together and never were. The only relationship we had only ever existed in your warped imagination!”

“That’s not true Jared! Don’t you say things that you don’t mean! Tom was never good enough and neither were any of the others. No one and I do mean no one can ever love you as much as I do!”

“So what ‘If you can’t have me no one can?’ Wow, not only are you a complete psychopath you’re a clichéd complete psychopath! That’s actually kind of pathetic. You really need to wake up and smell reality dude, this is not a movie!”

“No it’s not, which also mean’s there isn’t going to be a clean cut ending with the bad guy defeated. Cos most of the time that doesn’t happen at all. Most of the time the bad guy gets exactly what he wants. Except . . . I’m not the bad guy here, I just wish you could see that. I wish you could see how much I love you.”

“Yeah, and haven’t you just got one fucking fantastic way of showing it. You know most people get the people they love gifts but no you figured that removing all obstacles and kidnapping was the way to go! In fact if you really wanna go for the full effect here do you want me to get you a bunny to boil?”

“You think the way I feel about you is a joke?”

“Do you see me laughing?”

Jensen was looking at him with a mixture of fury and determination. It was . . . familiar. He’d seen that look before.

_ Suddenly a flash . . . he was running. . . The dream, no, not a dream . . . a memory! He was in a car and he was driving . . . It was raining . . . So much that he can barely see even with the windscreen wipers, but he didn’t care he had to get away . . . That gaze burned in his mind and he pushed the gas pedal harder . . . He had to get away . . .He couldn’t it was following him . . .The burning gaze . . .He took his eyes of the road for a second, just to check if he was gone . . . Then it happened . . .The other car barreled into him at full speed . . .He never saw it coming . . . The was no chance to get away . . . He lay in the crushed and mangled excuse for a car drifting in and out of consciousness and coughing up his own blood . . .A shadow lands over him . . .Tells him everything’s going to be o.k. . . . It’s him . . . The devil with the beautiful eyes . . . _

__

Jared felt sick with his sudden realization. That night. The crash.

Looking up to Jensen with panicked tear-filled eyes he whispered.

“It was you”.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared started towards the door, but before he could reach the lock Jensen caught him lightning quick and shoved him up against the wall. Arm pinned across Jared’s throat holding him in place, Jensen Stared him down with menacing eyes.
> 
> “You’re not going anywhere Jared.”

(2001)   
  
Jared Padalecki had everything. He was popular. He was intelligent. He was gorgeous. Everyone liked him because of his easy-going nature and blinding smile. It was because of this that when he first discovered he preferred men to women, he didn’t even spare a second thought to announcing it to his friends and family. His parents were just as accepting as he’d imagined they would be, knowing they would always love him no matter what and only wished for his happiness. His likability was such that even when the school found out his peers took it in their stride and accepted him for who he was. He even managed to make quick work of finding a boyfriend; the fact that said boyfriend was also the captain of the football team was a very nice bonus.   
Despite his obvious popularity Jared never allowed himself to become egotistical. He hated people who thought they were Gods-gift to everyone and always vowed never to let himself become one. Instead Jared was kind to everyone, going out of his way to help anyone who needed it because that’s just who he was. In the end it was most probably this kind and gentle nature that forced the huge surge of guilt when he had to tell the sweet boy with the beautiful green eyes “I’m so sorry, but I already have a boyfriend”.   
He never even knew his name but Jared somehow knew that he would cross paths with the boy again, he just never understood why that thought terrified him.   
  
Years later he still felt the burn of those eyes.   
  
  
(2005)   
  
Jared was slowly sinking into depression. He had always prided himself with being able to handle anything that life threw at him, but this? How was he supposed to deal with this?   
  
His latest boyfriend had just walked out on him, but it wasn’t until the next day that Jared realized he’d taken the content of his bank account with him. The scamming bastard had been planning it for months! Seducing Jared with words of love and forever, lulling him into a false sense of security before taking everything and leaving Jared completely broken both emotionally and financially. Jared honestly couldn’t see how he was going to get through this. He had no money, his landlord was threatening to revoke his tenancy agreement and the only happiness he could find was at the bottom of a bottle. The moments of blissful numbness only alcohol could provide were all that kept him going and for the first time in his life Jared contemplated taking his own life. This was rock-bottom and anything was better than this. In those moments even death seemed like a plausible light at the end of the tunnel.   
And yet, even though Mark had taken every penny and financially crippled him. Even though he’d torn out his heart and ripped up into a thousand tiny little pieces. He still couldn’t find it in himself to hate the man. This was insane! He was drinking himself half to death with any hopes he had for the future slowly slipping out of sight and he couldn’t even bring himself to curse the man who’d caused it all. What was wrong with him? He knew the answer of course. Despite everything that mark had done to him, Jared had still loved him and it just wasn’t so easy to let go of those feelings even when the focus of them had betrayed every single one.   
  
So Jared drank. He drank until he couldn’t even see straight, ignored Chad, his parent’s and everyone else’s attempts at intervention and prayed for a miracle.   
  
Then one day three months into Jared’s downward spiral it seemed that someone had answered his prayers.   
  
The police had been tracking Mark since he’d taken off with Jared’s life-savings. They had never been able to pinpoint his exact location, but they had a pretty strong trail to follow. Then one day Mark dropped off the map. Just disappeared entirely. The police were baffled, but not nearly as baffled as Jared was to discover the money Mark had taken from his account had suddenly re-materialized with interest. Jared had tried to find out who’d put the money there but it was untraceable. The whole thing was just so strange.   
  
Jared never did find out what happened to mark or where the money came from, but he decided that it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that now he had the means to start rebuilding the shattered pieces of his life and heart.   
  
  
(2009)   
  
Life was good for Jared. He had a good Job, good friends, nice house and the most supportive family anyone could ask for. But that wasn’t even the best part. No, the best part was Tom. He’d met Tom a few months ago at a friends party. The two had soon become fast friends, even if Jared was nursing a huge crush for the breathtakingly gorgeous man. He never could have guessed his feelings were returned. Until one night two weeks ago, they’d both been drinking and suddenly Tom had grabbed him and kissed him, telling Jared he was in love with him and had been since the day they met. Jared was speechless, he was so damn happy that he couldn’t form the words so he just leaned forward and kissed his gorgeous new boyfriend back. Jared had thought that had been the happiest moment of his life and it was up until New-Years Eve when Tom dropped to one knee and asked Jared to be with him forever. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind when Jared had immediately said yes. This was perfection.   
  
(2011)   
  
Jared’s heart was breaking. Tom was leaving him. The man he loved more than anything was telling him goodbye. The pain was indescribable. But there was something weird about this. Tom was telling him they couldn’t be together but his eyes screamed of love. He said it was for the best but he looked so scared, what did he have to be frightened of? What was going on in that head of his? When Jared had begged him to look him in the eye and tell him that he didn’t love him anymore, Tom couldn’t. He simply leaned close and whispered that Jared should be careful, that he should look after himself and always be on his guard. Jared had wondered what he meant but not for long because then Tom leaned in and kissed him goodbye and Jared’s whole world crumbled.   
  
Months later Jared hadn’t heard a word from Tom. He felt hollow, but he still held memories from the last time his heart had been broken and even though the pain was so much worse this time, alcohol wasn’t a road he would travel down again. No matter how unbearable losing Tom was, he couldn’t let it destroy what was left of his life. He just couldn’t.   
  
Chad had thrown a party to take Jared’s mind off everything, Jared seriously doubted it would work but he’d go if only to humour his friend.   
An hour into the party and Jared was actually starting to feel slightly better with the vibrant atmosphere. There was a knock at the door, a new arrival. Looking up toward the doorway when the mystery guest entered Jared observed a smartly dressed man with ridiculously gorgeous features. Then the man turned to look directly at him and Jared was struck by the strange familiarity of those green eyes. Before he knew what was happening, he’d crossed the room to the handsome stranger who had then introduced himself as Jensen Ackles. It was a confusing experience to be in Jensen’s presence. A part of him was so drawn to the man whilst another told him to stay away. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently if he’s listened to the cautious part of himself.   
  
After a few drinks, he and Jensen had moved upstairs to talk without having to shout over the music. Jared hadn’t drank that much but his body felt sluggish and his mind was slow. Something was wrong. He tried to stand and failed being expertly caught in Jensen’s well muscled arms. Staring up at Jensen with pleading eyes Jared wanted to tell him that something was wrong, but it came out as “Wow, you have really pretty eyes”. What the fuck? Why had he said that? Suddenly Jensen was kissing him. Jared’s mind took a while to process what was happening and he finally pulled away much later than he should have.   
  
“Wh-what’re you d’un?”   
  
“I’ve always wanted you Jared, and now that I’ve finally got you I’m never letting you go”.   
  
With that Jensen kissed him again. Jared tried to squirm and push Jensen away but his reflexes were sluggish. It was only when Jensen lowered him to the bed and began to remove his clothing that Jared’s mind finally realized what was happening. There was no way three beers had affected him like this. Jensen had drugged him! He’d drugged him to get him into bed!   
By now Jensen had moved onto lavishing his body with kisses and touches. He didn’t want this! Did Jensen even care? Jared started to panic. Jensen was going to rape him. No. No! He wasn’t just going to lie here and let it happen, he was going to fight back dammit! Finally managing to regain some of his bodily co-ordination Jared shoved Jensen off him had. While Jensen was momentarily stunned, Jared used all his strength of will to get off the bed, pull his pants up and run to the door.   
  
Jared never stopped once. His mind still wasn’t focused, so even when Chad tried to ask what was wrong he just shoved him out of the way and carried on towards the door.   
Once he was outside he ran for his car, he was in no condition to be driving, but he had to get away. He needed to leave.   
  
Jared couldn’t have been driving for more than ten minutes when another car began to tail him, looking in the rearview mirror his blood turned to ice when he saw who was driving. Jensen!   
  
No, no. He had to get away. Jared drove faster. The heavy downpour that had started made it difficult to see where he was going, but he didn’t care. He had one thought and one thought only. Escape.   
He never saw the other car coming. His car was flung off the road and Jared thought for certain that he wasn’t going to make it. Lying bleeding in the wreckage he felt a shadow fall over him but he was just so tired and he was in so much pain he couldn’t be sure he was imagining things. He looked up and saw Jensen. Jensen bent to stroke his face and Jared tried to move away to no avail. “It’s o.k. baby, everything’s going to be o.k. you’ll see. I’m sorry baby. But I had to do it; you were trying to leave me.” Jensen whispered.   
  
The last thing Jared saw before he lost his battle with consciousness was those burning green eyes.

  
(Now)   
  
Looking up to Jensen with panicked tear-filled eyes he whispered.   
  
“It was you”.   
  
“What do you mean Jay?”   
  
“Don’t you dare, don’t you fucking dare play innocent you bastard! I remember! I remember everything!”   
  
“Look, whatever you think you know, you have to remember you’re confused . . . “   
  
“Oh I don’t think, I know. And it’s all pretty fucking crystal clear to me! You drugged me! You tried to rape me! If it weren’t for you I’d of never been on that road in the first place! Everything that’s happened to me in the past few months. It was all your fault! What kind of sicko are you?   
  
With that Jared moved to pass Jensen who grabbed his arm and begged frantically.   
  
“Baby, please, just let me explain!”   
  
Yanking his arm away Jared Snarled “No! I’m done listening to you. There is nothing you could possibly say that would make any of this o.k.!”   
  
Jared started towards the door, but before he could reach the lock Jensen caught him lightning quick and shoved him up against the wall. Arm pinned across Jared’s throat holding him in place, Jensen Stared him down with menacing eyes.   
  
“You’re not going anywhere Jared.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking back on everything that had happened since he’d met Jared.
> 
> Everything he’d done and everything he felt for the man.
> 
> He couldn’t help but wonder how it had all come to this.

Back in high school Jensen Ackles wasn’t exactly the most popular guy in school. In fact that was pretty much an understatement. He was painfully shy which kept him isolated from everyone around him and on top of that it was well known that pretty much everybody was jealous of the Ackles family wealth. So it was hardly surprising that any friends Jensen actually did manage to make were few and far between. Everyone just labeled him as the weird rich kid. No one ever wanted to take the time to really get to know him. The jocks shoved him around and no girl would even look at him. That was o.k. though, he didn’t care if girls weren’t interested in him, he was gay anyway and he would honestly rather spend his life as a loner then have ‘friends’ as shallow as anyone at his school. But then one day everything changed. Jensen met  _him_ and his whole world got a little brighter.

He was rushing down the hallway, already late for his next class and eager to get there. Then Johnny, one of the more vicious jocks stepped in front of him and stopped Jensen dead. Johnny had taunted him and no matter how many times Jensen had pleaded with him to just let him pass, Johnny wouldn’t listen. It was then that a deep voice called out telling Johnny to ‘just leave the guy alone’. The voice in itself wasn’t that special he supposed, but to Jensen at that moment it sounded like that of an angel.

Whoever this guy was must’ve been fairly respected because Johnny listened to him. Backing off with a sneer he knocked Jensen’s books out of his arms and stormed down the hallway away from him. Jensen scrambled to pick up his books, when suddenly there was another pair of hands helping him and that voice telling him ‘here let me help you.’ Why was this guy being so nice? No one had ever willingly helped him, defended him, before and he was so grateful. Whoever this guy was he’d single-handedly restored Jensen’s ability to believe in the existence of genuinely kind people.

Looking up to thank the mystery guy any words froze in the light of the most beautiful guy Jensen had ever seen in his life. He literally took Jensen’s breath away. He just wanted to run his fingers through that beautiful longish hair. He wanted to stare into those amazing eyes forever. He wanted to kiss those full lips. Jensen had fallen and fallen hard, and he didn’t even know this beautiful strangers name.

Jensen’s view of that face was taken suddenly when the guy stood, it took a second for Jensen to shake off the daze and do the same. It took him a few more moments of staring while standing to realize the guy was talking to him.

‘Don’t worry about Johnny, guy’s a total dick. Just ignore him and he’ll get bored eventually. Trust me, attention span of a flea.’ All Jensen could do was nod dumbly when Jared flashed him a blinding smile and oh god, he had dimples! ‘I’m Jared by the way.’ Jared. His name was Jared, and wasn’t that just the most beautiful word in the English language? After a few moments Jared’s smile began to falter and Jensen realized he hadn’t spoken a word this whole time, but it was too late Jared was handing his books back to him and moving away with a ‘Well look after yourself anyway and I’ll see you around’. He flashed one more smaller smile and then he was gone.

Oh he was definitely going to see him again. Jensen was going to make sure of it.

\------------------------------------------------

What Jensen lacked in social skills he made up with on computers, well he was being primed to take over his father’s company after all. So with his skill it didn’t take him long to find out everything he possibly could about his Jared (whose last name he now knew to be Padalecki). Now all he had to do was pluck up the courage to ask him out on a date. Easier said than done when he had absolutely no experience with relationships, or how to go about getting one. Sighing in the face of his own crippling romantic inadequacy Jensen decided to just bite the bullet and ask Jared out, after all the guy was the nicest guy Jensen had ever met, what was the worst that could happen?

In the end it turned out the worst that could happen did happen. Jensen didn’t think he’d ever felt pain quite like the hurt he was instantly assaulted with under Jared’s revelation that he already had a boyfriend. Jared wasn’t cruel; unlike the dicks he hung around with he was obviously telling the truth and just trying to keep it as gentle as possible to lessen the blow.

God Jensen loved him so much.

It was then, in the face of Jared’s rejection, that Jensen realized that the love he felt for this beautiful boy wasn’t ever going to go away.

It was real ‘til death do us part’ love and that gave Jensen hope, he knew now that they were meant to be together and someday they would be together forever.

It was fate, destiny, and nothing was going to get in the way of that.

Jared would be his.

\---------------------------------------

Jensen never let himself forget his life mission. Throughout the years he always stuck close to Jared, kept his journals updated. He wasn’t however stupid, he knew that if he got too close, if Jared noticed him before the time was right then he’d get scared, he’d never want to see Jensen again and Jensen couldn’t have that. So he stayed close enough to watch over Jared but far enough in the background that Jared never knew. It often made him smile to think of himself as Jared’s own personal guardian angel. As romantic as the thought was he never let himself take his task lightly. It was his duty to keep Jared safe and a beautiful gem like Jared needed some serious protection.

All those guys who saw his beauty and childlike innocence and wanted nothing more than to corrupt it, all those guys who valued him no more than a cheap piece of ass Jensen saw them all and for years he’d made sure that non of them ever got close enough to touch Jared. He wouldn’t have his precious angel hurt like that. He wouldn’t stand for it.

There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his love and he could be very persuasive when he put his mind to it.

Sometimes it even frightened him, the lengths he’d go for the one man he needed like he needed to breathe.

The things he’d done . . . Well lets just say it’s a good thing he wasn’t the religious type because heaven was certainly no longer an option for him. But everything he did, it was all for  _him_ , the man that made his heart pound and blood sing.

And after all, he’d always reasoned, faint heart never did win fair . . . Jared.

So he did what he had to, to keep Jared safe. To protect him from all the assholes that would use him and leave him bleeding in the dirt when they were done. He dedicated his life to it because he loved Jared so much it hurt. So imagine how he felt the day he realized he’d screwed up. Big time.

Those, cheating, lying, using bastards that Jensen had tried so hard to keep away from Jared? Well apparently one of the fuckers slipped through the net.

One of them had wormed their way into Jared’s heart before ripping it out and throwing it in the trash.

Mark.

Scamming, lying, manipulative, oh so very stupid Mark.

He’d lied his way into Jared’s heart and bed and as if that wasn’t enough to make Jensen hate the man, then, the suicidal bastard had gone and fleeced Jared for every penny he had. Leaving the love of Jensen’s life destitute and heartbroken.

How stupid do you have to be to mess with the object of Jensen’s affection?

Did this guy really not know that if you break someone with a guardian angel then said guardian angel’s gonna get pissed?

Seeing his love completely broken and trying to drink his life away was the final straw.

This bastard was going to pay for this!

Jared had obviously called the police, but he still wouldn’t do anything to seriously hurt the guy, he was too kind to be cruel. But Jared didn’t have to worry about that because Jensen was going to take care of everything. It didn’t even matter if the cop’s incompetence let the guy get away because Jensen certainly wouldn’t, they’d just assume the stupid bastard was smarter then they thought and had somehow managed to vanish without a trace. No one had to know what Jensen did. No one had to know what really happened.

Turns out the guy was a total pussy. I mean really what the hell did Jared see in this guy? He couldn’t even take a little torture without crying like a baby. Pathetic. In the end Jensen couldn’t take anymore. Slitting the guy’s throat was by no means a show of mercy, only a way of putting Jensen out of misery.

Disposing of the body wasn’t a problem for someone with as much money and high profile contacts as Jensen.

Bastard ended up as pig food on some farm in the middle of nowhere, no less than he deserved.

But that wasn’t what was important right now. No, what was important was that he started to help Jared heal. A task easier said than done when Jared could never know that it was him that was his silent protector.

Taking that much money straight out of the company funds was a risky move so soon into his management but not undoable. Besides Jared’s original money was long gone by the time he caught up with Mark and he wanted to give Jared something substantial, something to make getting his life back on track that much easier. It was difficult task, getting the money out of the accounts, hacking Jared’s newly locked-down private account and wiring the money completely anonymously but it was all so worth it to see the look on Jared’s face when he realized.

It was all worth it.

He’d single-handedly given Jared his life back and that was worth everything.

\---------------------------------------------------

As thee years went by Jensen watched with so much pride as Jared gradually built back. Jared was finally comfortable and happy with his life. He’d moved on from Mark and everything that bastard had done and he was genuinely o.k.

Jensen was beginning to think that maybe it was time. Maybe now was the time to make himself known to Jared. Maybe he could finally have everything he’d always dreamed of.

No such luck.

Because then it happened.

Then  _he_  happened.

Tom-fucking-Welling!

Jared had met him at some party and the instant attraction between them was obvious to see. The two gradually got closer, Jared was infatuated with the man and it was obvious that Tom felt the same.

It made Jensen’s blood boil. Jared was his dammit! And there was no way in hell he was going to let this goddamn pretty-boy sweep in and take everything Jensen had ever wanted.

The night Tom proposed was the final straw. There was no way Jensen was just going to stand back while Tom stole away his future. His Jared.

Tom Welling was going down.

\----------------------------------------------------

Cornering Tom after work had been fairly straight-forward. Convincing him to get the hell out of Jared’s life? Not so much.

It was obvious that Tom genuinely loved Jared and for a second Jensen almost felt bad for him, but he couldn’t lose the man he loved. Now was not the time to grow a conscience. Not when it was Jared at stake.

Unsurprisingly, Tom was a lot more easily swayed at the point of a gun.

Let me tell you, putting the fear of Jensen in him was a hell of a lot more effective than any god you could name.

After Jensen was done he was certain that Tom would stay away from both the police and Jared.

Jensen’s work was done.

\----------------------------------------------------

Jared was hurt after Tom, Jensen knew that, but it was for the best. Jared would see that. Especially now it was time. It was time for Jensen to claim the prize he’d been waiting so long for.

Seeing Jared up close at the party knocked him for six. He’d spent too long in the background, watching from the shadows and now he was close enough to touch, to smell that intoxicating scent that was pure Jared, to have that face of almost ethereal beauty look right at him and Jensen had no idea how he was supposed to control himself. Luckily he wouldn’t have to for long.

Getting the muscle relaxant into Jared’s drink was disturbingly easy, Jared was far too trusting for his own good if he was leaving his drink with a man that, as far as he was concerned, he’d just met. By the time they got into the bedroom Jensen couldn’t take it anymore. He snapped. Jared was his and it was time for him to know that too.

Exploring Jared’s body in that moment was about as close to a divine being as Jensen had ever been, so when Jared suddenly pushed him away and fled the loss was greater then ever before. He knew what Jared tasted and felt like now and he was already addicted. He couldn’t let Jared go. He wouldn’t

\-----------------------------------------------------

Jensen saw the car before Jared. He knew what was about to happen. He could’ve swerved into its path, got Jared’s car out of the way before it was too late. But then Jared would get away. He’d probably never see him again. No, that couldn’t happen. He had to let this happen, the impact of the crash wouldn’t be enough to cause death, it wasn’t fast enough for that. Jared would understand eventually.

Time seemed to slow down as the car crashed into Jared’s

_ I’m so sorry baby. _

__

\-------------------------------------------------------

Jensen had Jared taken to the hospital immediately. When he was questioned about his relation to Jared he gave the first response he could think of.

‘Husband. I’m his husband. His name is Jared Ackles.’

It was that easy and when the hospital phoned to tell him that Jared had woken up with no memory everything else just slid into place.

\------------------------------------------------------

Thinking back on everything that had happened since he’d met Jared.

Everything he’d done and everything he felt for the man.

He couldn’t help but wonder how it had all come to this.

How had it come down to this exact moment?

How did he go from love at first sight to holding in his arms the bloodied form of the only man he’d ever loved?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world began to blur into a haze of pain as Jared distantly felt Jensen gather him into his arms as he coughed up his own blood.
> 
> His whole world was narrowed down to one thought.
> 
> 'Oh God. I’m going to die.'

(Earlier)

“Baby, please, just let me explain!”

Yanking his arm away Jared snarled “No! I’m done listening to you. There is nothing you could possibly say that would make any of this o.k.!”

Jared started towards the door, but before he could reach the lock Jensen caught him lightning quick and shoved him up against the wall. Arm pinned across Jared’s throat holding him in place, Jensen stared him down with menacing eyes.

“You’re not going anywhere Jared.”

Gulping in a breath Jared steeled his eyes against the terror that coursed through his veins.

“What are you going to do Jensen? Huh? You going to try and rape me again?”

“Shut up Jared.”

“Or will you just kill me and get it over with?”

“I mean it, shut up.” Jensen’s voice was pitched dangerously low.

“Because I’m telling you now that’s the only way you’ll ever get to keep me! Might as well get it over with, just kill me and develop a liking for necrophilia because as long as I’m still breathing I’m not going to stop fighting.”

“I said shut the fuck up Jared!” Jared heart jumped as Jensen slammed his free hand into the wall next to his head in tandem to his furious words.

Jensen continued to glare into the eyes of a now silent Jared, his breathing coming in harsh pants. He released Jared and turned so quickly that Jared stumbled for balance at the sudden loss of a restraining weight along his front.

Regaining his footing Jared looked up, his eyes tracking the subtle tense movements of Jensen’s back. What was he going to do? The man was unpredictable and Jared just didn’t know what his next move would be. Should he try and make a break for it while Jensen’s back was turned? No, that was too dangerous. There was no telling what Jensen would do to him if he failed. No, he had to be more subtle than that, keep him talking, get him angry. Maybe then Jensen wouldn’t notice. Maybe then he had a chance to get away.

“What’s the matter Jensen? Truth hurt? Did you really think that I could ever willingly stay with you? After everything you’ve done?”

“Stop talking Jared. Just stop-fucking-talking.”

“You know, I always thought that I could never bring myself to hate anybody, but then I didn’t count on you did I Jensen? Jensen Ross Ackles, stalker and all-round psycho. Right now I fucking despise you.”

Jensen whirled around advancing on Jared.

“Don’t you say that Jared! Don’t say things you can’t take back! Don’t say things that you don’t mean!”

“Oh but I do mean it Jensen. I mean every fucking word. I always prided myself with being able to see the good in everyone, but where’s the good in you Jensen? After all this just tell me that.”

“You make it sound like I’m such a terrible person. Where the things I did so wrong?”

“Yes! Why can’t you see that?”

“All I did was fall in love with you. Where’s the crime in that? Everything I’ve done was for you! It was all because I love you!”

“The things you did where sick! If that’s your definition of love then I’d hate to know what happens to people you don’t like. You are seriously disturbed. You need help, and you need to let me go.”

“I’m never going to let you go. You’ll get used to it. There’s a connection between us, you feel it, I know you do. You’ll learn to love me and eventually you’ll see this was for the best. That we were meant to be together.”

“Meant to be together? You really think this is something we can just work past? That we’ll look back on this someday and laugh? My god you are seriously fucked-up. How am I supposed to forgive you after everything you’ve done? Usually I can forgive a lot, I even managed to forgive Mark for what he did to me, but this? You?”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare compare me to that asshole! Don’t even mention him in the same breath! I am nothing like Mark you hear me? Nothing! He used you for money! He robbed you and left you broken and drowning in endless bottles of whiskey! He never loved you! I do, I love you so, so much. I gave you your life back after he destroyed it! I took care of him after the police lost him! I did that for you! I saved you! So don’t you dare say that I am anything like that spineless bastard!”

“The police never found him.” Jared’s voice had drifted into a quiet whisper. “They never found him; it was like he just disappeared without a trace.” Jared raised his eyes to look directly at Jensen. “Oh my god! What did you do to him?”

“I really don’t think you know what you’re asking.”

“Tell me.”

“Trust me when I say you don’t want to know.”

“Where is he?”

“I’m telling you, you won’t like it.”

“Where is he?”

“He deserved it.”

“Where. Is. He?”

“You do not want to know.”

“Where the fuck is he?!”

“He’s dead!”

Jared physically recoiled as the full horror of the words hit him.

“No, no. You . . .”

“Is that what you wanted to hear Jared? Are you happy now? Or do you want detail? Do you want to know how he begged for his life like a little bitch? How I made him bleed and suffer for everything he did to you? How when I was finished the only way you could identify him would be through dental records? Is that what you want to know?”

“You killed him.”

“He was an asshole.”

“You killed him.”

“Look at what he did to you Jared! He ruined your life!”

“He didn’t deserve to die!”

“Yes he did!”

“How can you say that? What gives you the right to play god? You don’t get to decide who deserves to die!”

“You want me to say sorry? You want me to feel guilty? To regret it? Because I don’t. That bastard crossed the line. He touched what’s mine. He hurt you. He damn near destroyed you, and I will never be sorry that I paid him back! I was protecting you! I will never apologize for that!”

“I feel sick. . . You are completely insane! How can you stand there and tell me that you killed a man as if it’s nothing? As if it’s something to be proud of?”

“Soldiers kill thousands of innocent people everyday in the name of their country, they’re heroes. I killed a scamming bastard that was guilty as sin for love and I’m crazy? That’s fucked-up.”

“That is not the same thing!”

“How isn’t it? How is it different? I did what I had to, to protect you. I am a hero.”

“I can’t listen to this. You. . . I can’t even look at you.

Jared made a rush to the door but was grabbed and pinned once again by Jensen. I took a second before he registered the sensation of the cool, sharp blade being placed against his throat. Jared went deathly still. Slowly he met Jensen’s eyes resignation set in every line of his rigid, terrified body.

“Go ahead Jensen, Do it. You’ve got everything to lose if I get free. So just kill me and put us both out of our misery.”

Jensen pressed the knife harder against Jared’s throat and for a second Jared thought this was the end. That Jensen’s fierce eyes would be the last thing he ever saw.

Suddenly the knife was gone and Jensen was backing away regret in his eyes.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry baby. I never wanted to hurt you that’s the last thing I wanted to do. You scared me. I can’t lose you. I can’t. I’d do anything to keep you . . .”

Throughout Jensen’s ramblings Jared had been edging closer to the door, he was reaching behind him to the lock when Jensen snapped out of his daze. Instantly realizing Jared’s intention he flew across the room and grabbed Jared away from the door. The move was so sudden that when Jensen let go Jared stumbled and fell.

The world seemed to move in slow-motion as gravity pulled Jared to the ground, the direction of his fall impaling him on the poker by the fireplace.

The world began to blur into a haze of pain as Jared distantly felt Jensen gather him into his arms as he coughed up his own blood.

His whole world was narrowed down to one thought.

_ Oh God. I’m going to die. _

__

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------ _

__

(Now)

Jensen clutched onto Jared’s shaking form tighter, gently easing the poker from Jared’s body, wincing at the pained grunt the action drew from his love. He looked in horror as blood poured heavily from the wound. Oh fuck! This was all his fault, he shouldn’t have let go.

The wound was serious.

What was he supposed to do? Jared was dying. . .

Jared was dying.

The words sent an icy shiver down his spine and he clutched his angel’s barely conscious form closer to his body, disregarding the masses of Jared’s blood seeping into his own clothing.

He felt numb. This couldn’t be happening.

Jared was dying.

_ His _  Jared was dying.

No. NO! Jared wasn’t going to die on him. He wouldn’t allow it! He was Jared’s guardian angel and he would save him. He had to.

Moving quickly Jensen tore off his own shirt, balled it up and pressed it directly onto Jared’s wound. That’s what you’re supposed to do right? Apply pressure to stem the bleeding? He was sure he’d heard that. He didn’t have the luxury of thinking, he was running on automatic. He had to stop the bleeding. He had to . . . Shit what else where you supposed to do for blood loss? He couldn’t phone an ambulance, too many questions that he couldn’t answer. Fuck. Why was this happening? He couldn’t lose Jared. He couldn’t. He needed to calm down. He was no good to Jared like this.

“Jared? Jay baby, can you hear me?”

Jared’s head fell to the side, his eyes slipping closed. That wasn’t good. Jensen had to keep him awake. If Jared lost consciousness then he might never wake up again.

“Jared. Jared no. You need to stay awake for me baby. O.k. Just keep your eyes open yeah? You have such beautiful eyes, don’t hide them. Hey, hey don’t go to sleep. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby please. . .”

Jensen’s incessant babbling and light taps to Jared’s face seemed to have the desired effect as Jared opened pain dazed and confused eyes witch blurrily focused on Jensen’s face.

“J’ns’n?”

Jared’s words were slurred and slow. Shit he was pale. He shouldn’t be that pale.

“Jensen?”

Jared’s words were clearer now but still no more than a whisper. Jensen clutched Jared tighter in relief burying his nose into Jared’s hair breathing in the man’s scent and the more potent and unwelcome, metallic stench of blood.

“Oh, Jared. Thank god. I thought I’d lost you. I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry. But it’s o.k. Everything’s going to be o.k. We’re going to get you better, and I’m going to be with you all the way. I swear. I’m not going to leave you Jay, not ever.”

“That a promise?” Came Jared’s choked off response.

“Yeah baby, that’s a promise.”

“Well in that case do me a favor . . .”

“Of course baby, anything, you know that.”

“Let me die.”

“W-what?”

“If the choice is between living and never being able to escape you and death, then I choose death every time.”

“N-no. You don’t know what you’re saying. It’s the blood loss. It’s messing with you’re mind. We’ll get through this. I love you. So much. We belong together. You feel the same I know you do.”

“You’re wrong.”

“No, I’m not”.

“I could never love you.”

“You don’t mean that. Jared. Jared. No. no, don’t leave me. You stay with me Jared Stay with me!”

But it was too late. Tears streamed down Jensen’s face as he watched Jared’s body convulse, blood pouring from that beautiful mouth. Jared went sickeningly still and in that moment Jensen knew he was gone. His whole world was gone.

At 1.58 AM Jared Padalecki died of severe blood loss.

At 1.59 AM Jensen Ackles took the gun he hid in his desktop drawer, laid down beside the body of the only man he’d ever loved and blew his own brains out.

With his dying thought he prayed that somehow his spirit would find Jared again in the afterlife.

Then they would be together again.

Forever.

END


	12. Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen stood and attempted to approach Jared slowly, Jared burst into action grabbing the knife Jensen had dropped in his panic. Jared stretched the hand with the knife in front of him in an attempt to keep Jensen away while his other hand pressed against the gaping wound in his side. Jensen could only look on in horror as blood flowed over Jared’s finger’s showing the extent of his injury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is exactly the same as the last for the first half so if you don't want to re-read the first part skip ahead to after the dashes. :)

(Earlier)

“Baby, please, just let me explain!”

Yanking his arm away Jared snarled “No! I’m done listening to you. There is nothing you could possibly say that would make any of this o.k.!”

Jared started towards the door, but before he could reach the lock Jensen caught him lightning quick and shoved him up against the wall. Arm pinned across Jared’s throat holding him in place, Jensen stared him down with menacing eyes.

“You’re not going anywhere Jared.”

Gulping in a breath Jared steeled his eyes against the terror that coursed through his veins.

“What are you going to do Jensen? Huh? You going to try and rape me again?”

“Shut up Jared.”

“Or will you just kill me and get it over with?”

“I mean it, shut up.” Jensen’s voice was pitched dangerously low.

“Because I’m telling you now that’s the only way you’ll ever get to keep me! Might as well get it over with, just kill me and develop a liking for necrophilia because as long as I’m still breathing I’m not going to stop fighting.”

“I said shut the fuck up Jared!” Jared heart jumped as Jensen slammed his free hand into the wall next to his head in tandem to his furious words.

Jensen continued to glare into the eyes of a now silent Jared, his breathing coming in harsh pants. He released Jared and turned so quickly that Jared stumbled for balance at the sudden loss of a restraining weight along his front.

Regaining his footing Jared looked up, his eyes tracking the subtle tense movements of Jensen’s back. What was he going to do? The man was unpredictable and Jared just didn’t know what his next move would be. Should he try and make a break for it while Jensen’s back was turned? No, that was too dangerous. There was no telling what Jensen would do to him if he failed. No, he had to be more subtle than that, keep him talking, get him angry. Maybe then Jensen wouldn’t notice. Maybe then he had a chance to get away.

“What’s the matter Jensen? Truth hurt? Did you really think that I could ever willingly stay with you? After everything you’ve done?”

“Stop talking Jared. Just stop-fucking-talking.”

“You know, I always thought that I could never bring myself to hate anybody, but then I didn’t count on you did I Jensen? Jensen Ross Ackles, stalker and all-round psycho. Right now I fucking despise you.”

Jensen whirled around advancing on Jared.

“Don’t you say that Jared! Don’t say things you can’t take back! Don’t say things that you don’t mean!”

“Oh but I do mean it Jensen. I mean every fucking word. I always prided myself with being able to see the good in everyone, but where’s the good in you Jensen? After all this just tell me that.”

“You make it sound like I’m such a terrible person. Where the things I did so wrong?”

“Yes! Why can’t you see that?”

“All I did was fall in love with you. Where’s the crime in that? Everything I’ve done was for you! It was all because I love you!”

“The things you did where sick! If that’s your definition of love then I’d hate to know what happens to people you don’t like. You are seriously disturbed. You need help, and you need to let me go.”

“I’m never going to let you go. You’ll get used to it. There’s a connection between us, you feel it, I know you do. You’ll learn to love me and eventually you’ll see this was for the best. That we were meant to be together.”

“Meant to be together? You really think this is something we can just work past? That we’ll look back on this someday and laugh? My god you are seriously fucked-up. How am I supposed to forgive you after everything you’ve done? Usually I can forgive a lot, I even managed to forgive Mark for what he did to me, but this? You?”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare compare me to that asshole! Don’t even mention him in the same breath! I am nothing like Mark you hear me? Nothing! He used you for money! He robbed you and left you broken and drowning in endless bottles of whiskey! He never loved you! I do, I love you so, so much. I gave you your life back after he destroyed it! I took care of him after the police lost him! I did that for you! I saved you! So don’t you dare say that I am anything like that spineless bastard!”

“The police never found him.” Jared’s voice had drifted into a quiet whisper. “They never found him; it was like he just disappeared without a trace.” Jared raised his eyes to look directly at Jensen. “Oh my god! What did you do to him?”

“I really don’t think you know what you’re asking.”

“Tell me.”

“Trust me when I say you don’t want to know.”

“Where is he?”

“I’m telling you, you won’t like it.”

“Where is he?”

“He deserved it.”

“Where. Is. He?”

“You do not want to know.”

“Where the fuck is he?!”

“He’s dead!”

Jared physically recoiled as the full horror of the words hit him.

“No, no. You . . .”

“Is that what you wanted to hear Jared? Are you happy now? Or do you want detail? Do you want to know how he begged for his life like a little bitch? How I made him bleed and suffer for everything he did to you? How when I was finished the only way you could identify him would be through dental records? Is that what you want to know?”

“You killed him.”

“He was an asshole.”

“You killed him.”

“Look at what he did to you Jared! He ruined your life!”

“He didn’t deserve to die!”

“Yes he did!”

“How can you say that? What gives you the right to play god? You don’t get to decide who deserves to die!”

“You want me to say sorry? You want me to feel guilty? To regret it? Because I don’t. That bastard crossed the line. He touched what’s mine. He hurt you. He damn near destroyed you, and I will never be sorry that I paid him back! I was protecting you! I will never apologize for that!”

“I feel sick. . . You are completely insane! How can you stand there and tell me that you killed a man as if it’s nothing? As if it’s something to be proud of?”

“Soldiers kill thousands of innocent people everyday in the name of their country, they’re heroes. I killed a scamming bastard that was guilty as sin for love and I’m crazy? That’s fucked-up.”

“That is not the same thing!”

“How isn’t it? How is it different? I did what I had to, to protect you. I am a hero.”

“I can’t listen to this. You. . . I can’t even look at you.

Jared made a rush to the door but was grabbed and pinned once again by Jensen. I took a second before he registered the sensation of the cool, sharp blade being placed against his throat. Jared went deathly still. Slowly he met Jensen’s eyes resignation set in every line of his rigid, terrified body.

“Go ahead Jensen, Do it. You’ve got everything to lose if I get free. So just kill me and put us both out of our misery.”

Jensen pressed the knife harder against Jared’s throat and for a second Jared thought this was the end. That Jensen’s fierce eyes would be the last thing he ever saw.

Suddenly the knife was gone and Jensen was backing away regret in his eyes.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry baby. I never wanted to hurt you that’s the last thing I wanted to do. You scared me. I can’t lose you. I can’t. I’d do anything to keep you . . .”

Throughout Jensen’s ramblings Jared had been edging closer to the door, he was reaching behind him to the lock when Jensen snapped out of his daze. Instantly realizing Jared’s intention he flew across the room and grabbed Jared away from the door. The move was so sudden that when Jensen let go Jared stumbled and fell.

The world seemed to move in slow-motion as gravity pulled Jared to the ground, the direction of his fall impaling him on the poker by the fireplace.

The world began to blur into a haze of pain as Jared distantly felt Jensen gather him into his arms as he coughed up his own blood.

His whole world was narrowed down to one thought.

_ Oh God. I’m going to die. _

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------ _

__

(Now)

Jensen winced as he carefully removed the poker from Jared’s body, eliciting a pained “fuck” from the man.

No sooner had the object been removed than Jared was pushing his way out of Jensen’s arms. The strength of the man was surprising in light of the severe blood loss he was sustaining. Luckily from the way Jared moved in his struggles it didn’t seem as though the poker had pierced any major organs. That had to be a good sign.

Jensen was roughly pulled from his thoughts on Jared’s health when the man managed to fully disentangle himself from the firm grip Jensen had been holding him in.

“Get the fuck off me you psycho.”

Jared pushed to his feet and backed away causing blood to pour from his wound with the movement.

“Jared, baby you need to let me look at that.”

“No! I don’t need your help, you’ve done enough!”

Jensen stood and attempted to approach Jared slowly, Jared burst into action grabbing the knife Jensen had dropped in his panic. Jared stretched the hand with the knife in front of him in an attempt to keep Jensen away while his other hand pressed against the gaping wound in his side. Jensen could only look on in horror as blood flowed over Jared’s finger’s showing the extent of his injury.

“I said back the fuck off!”

“Jared, don’t be stupid! I know you’re angry but if you don’t let me help you, you are going to bleed out!”

“Take off your shirt.”

“What?”

“You said I had to do something to stop the bleeding well I’m doing it. I’m not letting you anywhere near me so if you don’t want me to die then take off your shirt.”

Jensen instantly complied, moving towards Jared with the intention of helping him to stem the blood flow. Jared backed off instantly holding the knife in Jensen’s direction with obvious intent.

“What are you doing? I said back off.”

“Jared, I’m just trying to help you.”

“You can help me by throwing the shirt to me. I don’t want you getting too close, just throw it to me. Now.”

With a sigh Jensen tossed the shirt over and watched as Jared backed himself as far away from Jensen as possible before tying the shirt around his waist lighting quick effectively blocking the flow of blood down his side.

“Jared this is ridiculous. What do you think I’m going to do? I’d never hurt you.”

“You’d never hurt me?! Fucking look at me Jensen! You did this to me! So how the fuck is that not hurting me?!”

“That was an accident!”

“Really? With your track record I’m not so sure.”

“Jared. . . “

“Where are your car keys?”

“What?”

“The keys. To your car. Where are they.”

“In my pocket . . . “

“Give them to me.”

“Jared, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Yes I do now give me the fucking keys!”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no, you’re not leaving me Jared. I won’t let you.”

“You won’t let me? How you gonna stop me?”

“I’ll do what ever it takes. You’re mine Jared! You’ve always been mine and you always will be mine!”

Jared advanced on Jensen. He forced Jensen against the wall, pressing the knife against his neck. There was a moment of complete stillness before Jared smashed their mouths together in a brutal kiss that spoke of anger and hatred. The force of the kiss pressed the knife against Jensen’s flesh harder, causing it to break the skin. Jensen felt the small trickle of blood from the wound trickle down his neck.

The kiss ended just as abruptly as it had started. Jared was still pressed against him as he whispered:

“I was never yours.”

Then Jared was moving quickly away from Jensen. He kept his eyes on Jensen as he moved backwards, keeping the knife in front of him to ensure the other man’s distance. There was nothing in those beautiful hazel eyes but cold hatred as he retreated across the room. It was only when Jared reached the door that Jensen realized what he was gripping in his other hand. Jared had the keys! The kiss was a distraction, he should of known! But it was too late Jared was at the door. In an instant Jared dropped the knife to the floor before turning, ripping the door open and running as fast as his injured state allowed.

Jensen was still in a daze from the sudden turn events, by the time he had finally managed to co-ordinate his limbs and move into action he heard the sound of tires screeching as Jared speed out of the driveway and away from him.

Jared was gone.

That was o.k.

They belonged together

Jensen would find him.

Jensen would bring him home.

END


End file.
